More holiday fun

Because the Find Famous Ventriloquist Faces in the Yule Log Fire game was immensely popular (A full third of my three regular readers played - whooooo'da thunk?), we're going to have more fun.

Here's the rules:

• Start the video right exactly at midnight tonight, after you've kissed your love and made your Happy New Year's shout.
• Now, watch it closely. Stare at it. Then, when you see the following faces magically appear in the fireworks, check them off:

 Mortimer Snerd

Charlie McCarthy

Jerry Mahoney

Knuckhead Smith

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Walter (Jeff Dunham's)

Walter T Airedale (Terry Fator's)

Winston the Turtle

Lamp Chop

Senor Wences' hand

Jerry Lewis

• Don't stop until they've all appeared.
• Replay the video as necessary.
• Send me an email at bushmandaniel@gmail.com when you've seen them all.
• Be the first.  The time stamp on the email decides the winner.

 To be sure you know how important this is, I'll say it three times:

PRIZE!

PRIZE!

PRIZE!

You can use it as a team party game, too, but only individual winners can claim prizes.

I hope this gets your New Year off to a great start.


Pffft!!!!!,

Dan Bushman
Budding Ventriloquist

PS - No cheating by watching it all afternoon! I only am putting it out here now so you can weave it into your celebratory plans. Don't make me call the police.

Bowl me over

I like a good college football game as much as anybody, I guess, and everybody is a college football fan this time of year. It's bowl game time.

*** "Back in the Day" Alert***

When I was growing up, though, there was maybe 10 bowl games. If you included the Astro Blue Bonnet Bowl, the most exotically named, you would start watching bowl games on New Year's Eve Eve, and stop at about 10 o'clock New Year's Day. There was a Rose, a Sun, a Citrus, a Cotton, a Sugar, an Orange, a Gator, and maybe a Fiesta Bowl. Weeks later, there would be a Senior Bowl - but that one didn't count.

Not one of them had a corporate name or sponsor.

Now there's about 50 bowl games.  My Wisconsin Badgers just won the Champs Sports Bar and Grill Home of the Champs Burger Bowl. Rah.  It was one thing when it became the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, but does all the romance have to be taken away so we are left with the Mienecke Car Care Bowl and the Little Ceasars Pizza Bowl? (I must admit, the Pizza Bowl a ring to it.)

But instead of fighting this losing battle, I am going to embrace it.

I figure with a little leg work, some local support, and a whole lot of earnest goodwill, by this time next year you'll be hearing:

"You're looking live at Newton Field in Beautiful Hudson, Wisconsin where the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee Panthers take on the St. Catherine's University Wildcats in the first annual Budding Ventriloquist Bowl."

I wonder if the hospital will lend me their chopper for aerial shots?

***

UW-Milwaukee is my alma mater. They do not have a Division Anything football team and have not for a long time. St. Kate's is a women's college. Like the video I posted yesterday, you have to start somewhere.

***

Early Line: St. Kate's  + 4

Episode None

Be sure, this is not the pilot of the series. This is not even a teaser to the pilot to the series.

This video represents a number of firsts.  It is:

• The first prescripted video I've made. And considering I sank about 10 minutes into script development, it is quite remarkable.
• You will want to make remarks, I guarantee it.
• The first attempt I've made to understand the intracacies of my flip camera.
• It said on the packaging, "Do not attempt to film a remake of Gone With the Wind with this device."  You will find this hard to believe when you see the quality.
• The first time I've had to figure out lighting for a video. You will notice this too.
• My first post with any kind of video.
• Pretty cool that it's me, isn't it?
• Would you believe I was really shooting for "quaint"?

Hold on to your socks and press the play button!

***

Okay, I know. It's really bad. A technical and comedic disaster. It was one minute and 11 seconds of your life you will never get back. Sorry about that.

But it's a start. Consider this a true, pure trial balloon; a technical run; a flight of fancy; a test. Consider this the benchmark to judge all the video efforts I will post on this blog, and to judge my ventriloquism, and to judge my jokes.

Remember, the space shuttle blasts off from ground zero; so do most things. Or as my friend Steve from Ventriloquist Central said when I started this blog, "We all started somewhere."

***

Rather than spend the last few posts of 2009 doing more retrospective chit-chat, I'm opting to forge ahead and post prepwork of sorts for what I think is going to be an outstanding 2010. I have a commitment for a gig next December, by the way. For real! I'll explain what it is sometime soon.

All I have to do between now and next December is learn how to do ventriloquism. And get a real dummy or two. And write material. And practice, practic, practice.

Piece'a cake.

***

If you go to Youtube and search on the words budding and ventriloquist, this video is the first listing. How cool is that?

Merry Christmas

Holiday Fun

So you've opened your presents, eaten too much, run out of batteries for all the new gadgets...

Here's some special holiday fun from Budding Ventriloquist.

First, get this video running, preferably on another window/tab/etc.
Click here to run video

Now, watch it closely. Stare at it. Then, when you see the following faces magically appear in the fire, check them off:

1. Mortimer Snerd
2. Charlie McCarthy
3. Jerry Mahoney
4. Knuckhead Smith
5. Achmed the Dead Terrorist
6. Walter (Jeff Dunham's)
7. Walter T Airedale (Terry Fator's)
8. Winston the Turtle
9. Lamp Chop
10. Senor Wences' hand
11. Jerry Lewis

Don't stop until they've all appeared. Replay the video as necessary. Write me when you've seen them all.  Be the first - there's a prize involved.

And happy holidays from Dan, your budding ventriloquist.

Ok, deep breath, and....

On the twelfth  of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Twelve Running Gags

Eleven New Tuxedos,

Ten Steady Gigs,

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

The End.

***
As Elvis once (or twice) said, "Thankyaverymuch."

Tie a tie around an old oak tree?

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Eleven New Tuxedos

Ten Steady Gigs,

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.
***

Any ventriloquist worth his salt dreams of playing playing Vegas, and a tuxedo is pretty much mandatory equipment.  But rather than throw out pictures of Jeff Dunham or Terry Fator to prove the "Vegas-Ventriloquist-Tuxedo" triumvirate, I see more the classic tuxedo images, like the Rat Pack or Tony Orlando and Dawn. 

True enough, my lasting image of Tony Orlando might just be due to hair envy.

I myself have a "pre-owned" tuxedo. Owning a tuxedo is not a luxury. And owning one that was only $5 at an estate sale was the buy of the century.  For $5, you can wear it to cub scout potlucks without a lot of "investment worry."

The last time I wore it was to President Obama's Inaugural back in January, which I attended via teleconference. Or tele-something.

Opening Act?

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Ten Steady Gigs

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

For you byteheads, I'm talking paid performances, not hard drive capacity.  If I knew exactly what a byte looked like, I wonder if it would make for a good ventriloquist dummy face?

Just kick me

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

Please note that the "nine ladies dancing" mentioned above are not the same nine ladies dancing from the pedestrian version of the Twelve Days of Christmas. Because any aspiring ventriloquist dreams of one day playing Radio City Music Hall, the only question is whether the ventriloquist is opening for the Rockettes, or the Rockettes are opening for the ventriloquist.

As the song dates back to England in the 1840s, and the Rockettes were founded in America in 1925, the dancing ladies in the pedestrian version where obviously not the Rockettes. This makes my "nine ladies" being the Rockettes very original, if not more original than the proported original.

Go ahead. Argue with that logic.

Dare ya.

Nice Surprise

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Eight Fans Applauding

Seven Monkey Puppets

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

Shopping in the bookstore in downtown Hudson, the young lady working there asks, "Are you Dan Bushman?"

After I answer yes, she says, "I'm Jayna. I follow your blog."

While I have to say I never thought I would hear those words, my wife was even more stunned. "What?" she said from a couple shelves over in the small shop.

To explain, Jayna is the daughter of old friends from my cub scout leader days and wife of a fellow at my company. She also popped up as the third person to be officially a follower of this blog.  Jayna's also a new mom of a beautiful baby, Isabel, and the author of the very nicely-done blog with the unusual name Chevyface that chronicles her momhood.

I guess there was a reason we went shopping downtown in our little town rather than to the big box stores today. Over time, the date Christmas spirit strikes me gets later and later. This year I really needed a jump start. We ran into people we know in the little stores, and in the case of the bookstore, I ran into a new friend.

And I think I'll smile now though Friday.

***

Thank you, Jayna, for giving me a nice surprise, a good laugh, and (little did you know) the jump start to some holiday spirit for me. Isabel's got a good mom. She's a kind lady, for sure.

Flying Monkeys?

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Seven Monkey Puppets

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.
***

In the pedestrian version of the Twelve Days of Christmas, the lines are "seven swans a-swimming" and "six geese a-laying". If you've ever encountered a swan or a goose in real life, trust me - they are mean, nasty creatures that bite very hard. 

Giving your beloved ventriloquist a bunch of monkey puppets and a few hours to work on some schtick is much kinder gifting, to be sure.

Making perfect?

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Six Hours* Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

* "Ow-Ers". Two syllables. Sing it!

***

Yes, My refusal to change the line "(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets" to conform to some preconceived standard (see yesterday's letter from the FBH) is passive resistance to the Man.

***

VENTRILOQUISM FAUX FUN FACT (shall we call it a VF3?):

Gandhi practiced ventriloquism during his most famous fasts.  Really.

Dealin' with the Man

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff  Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

December 17, 2009

Dear Mr. Bushman:

After receiving numerous complaints regarding your flagrant violation of Christmas send-up etiquette, we regret to inform you that your license to create comic material has been placed in probationary status.  Your line "(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets" does not, as you claim, "work." No way, no how. Not happening.

Section 132.31(k) of Federal Humor Code states:

"All spoofs, send-offs, and other satirical alterations of songs must utilize and/or capture essential elements of the subject of said spoof."

In this instant case, the number of day of any Twelve Days of Christmas spoof is considered an essential element.

After review this issue with counsel, our suggestion is to make the following changes:

• "Four Funny Jokes" uses your own material (obtained in advance by Homeland Security warrant) and appropriately puts the number 4 in the verse.
• "Five Dunham Tickets" was considered by our committee to be witty and hip. We laughed mightily at the idea of 5 tickets, two couples plus (are you ready?) - ONE FOR THE DUMMY!

Thank you for you immediate attention to correcting your violation.

Yours in humor,


Dr. Vincent "Vinny" Boombatz
Commissioner, Federal Bureau of Humor
Enforcement Division

***

DRAFT

One way ticket to Christmas jail

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

(Ja)eff * Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

***

If the absense of a number (in particular, the number four) on this verse has you crying foul, complain to the commissioner's office. File a protest if it's that important to ya.  It's five (or six?) syllables that work, dadgumit, so it stays.

Is there such a thing as an extra half-a-syllable?

***

* Just trying to help you with the phrasing. "Jaaaeff" - slurring an A sound with the E and Fs. Give it a try.  I can do it without moving my lips, by the way.

***

This is the only known appearance of the name Jeff in the history of music, at least as a proper noun.

Centennial Celebration

Pffft! Pffft!

This is the 100th post to Budding Ventriloquist. 

What's happened over the course of 100 posts?

• Ten individuals and one group (the cast of Glee) were honored with the designation "face that belongs on a ventriloquist dummy" (the V Face List).
• "Several" individuals were determined NOT to belong on the V Face List. (The generalization "several" is used to spare those people embarrassment. It's not personal, folks. Either you were born with it or not.  Like bowed legs.)
• My proposed Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP) is gaining quiet interest at NASA. Very, very quiet interest.
• I am in possession of a small Charlie McCarthy dummy and a great monkey puppet. Both still need some repair. Apparently, ventriloquist dummies and puppets are like motorcycles. They always need some work.
• The hit counter on the BV page clicked over 920 hits. To my estimation, more than half are NOT me. Wow.
• I referenced Paula Abdul only once. This doesn't seen right to me. Not right at all.
• My number of regular readers doubled  from one to two, causing me to refer to regular readers in plural. Goes to show big change is possible.
• The ads that the Google/Blogger folks run on my page have fetched me the handsome sum of 20 cents on account.  $9.80 to go and I get a real check for $10.  How cool is that?
• In the last 50 posts, pictures have become a regular thang for my blog. My favorites are the Fireball XL5 and Thunderbirds peeps. And Julia Roberts vis-a-vis Lady Penelope, of course.
• There was a  fantasy spat with Julia Roberts I actually believed happened. Don't worry, it was only for a minute. Or ten.

The next big milestone - 200 posts - seems so far away. But considering I've written 100 things about ventriloquism and have hardly started actually learning how to do the Art of Kings, the 200 post mark is just around the corner.

***

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

What was I thinking?

Dear Regular Readers (both of you):

I thought I was so clever to start posting my creation, The Twelve Days of Ventriloquist Christmas, yesterday. It was twelve days until Christmas, afterall. I could hear three trumpets heralding this artistic triumph.

Unfortunately, I must admit I got a little ahead of myself. As I post the "second day" below, I am flummoxed by the enormity of coming up with twelve things. I see ventriloquist connections everywhere these days, but sure wish some of those maids a-milking had mechanical jaws right now.

You see, the real The Twelve Days of Christmas is 427 years, 8 months old. The list of presents has been keened and honed and time-tested and revised and politically-corrected more often than AOL sent me start-up disks.

I currently have less than six days covered. Actually, less than five.

More precisely, I have four days figured out. Four doesn't even get me to the darn golden rings. It's not even the first four, either. A crisis is just around the corner, dear regular readers (both of you).

So...get out your thinking caps. Email me your ideas. And if you know any leaping lords or piping pipers, tell them to think up some stuff, too. Anything that comes to mind, tell me. Absolutely anything.

I need brainstorming. And this is stressing me so much, I can barely get up a light breeze.

 
***

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Two Moving Eyebrows

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.

You knew this was coming

And here, on December 13, and continuing to Christmas, Budding Ventriloquist wants you to know that:

On the first day of Christmas,

My true love gave to me

A full-sized ventriloquist dummy

When you work the rhythm and syllables a little, it's there. Trust me.

Too obvious

With apologies:

• For running this picture two days in a row,
• To a couple cast members who are only "totally guilty" by association, and
• For noticing this amazing phenomenon only by happenstance...

... Could it actually be that virtually the entire cast of Glee - face after face - ALL belong on the "great face for a ventriloquist dummy" list?

Just look at them one at a time. Then think about it.

Amazing, huh?  Did I just hear a universal "true dat"?

***

To the wonderful cast of Glee:

Lots of actors get Emmys. You've just achieved something that's much more special.

***

Bet the casting director knew exactly what he was doing?  I'm in for a fiver that there's a dummy in his/her closet.

Imagine my Glee

Having rapped up a very successful premier season launch, Fox's singfest - Glee - was pretty engaging to us folk who enjoy dancin', and swingin', and movin' to the groovin'.

You also need  to find enjoyment in (or at least tolerance for) the drama-filled lives of high schoolers. According to my daughter, the show's trials and tributations are topically pretty realistic - a thought which should frighten a rational parent. To think my daughter finds ventriloquist dummies frightening but this show ... okay?

The show really does deserve applause for its approach to diversity. There's whites and blacks, hispanics, jews and gentiles, gays and straights, even a disabled kid in a featured role on a show about dancing and singing. Jocks, preppies (do they say that anymore?), cheerleaders, nerds, geeks, bullies, and all other groups are there, and there's reasonable dialog about all this. The differences are not ignored or resolved, but are simply present and (kind'a) real. Not bad for a show basically about kids doing pop music covers.

Oh yea, the tunes are pretty much fun, too.

After nine or ten inaugural episodes, the show has gone into hiatus for four months.

******SPOILER ALERT******

When the show returns in April, the club struggles to broaden their diversity when a ventriloquist wants to join.  Faculty advisor Will Schuester searches the rule book to find out whether the ventriloquist would count as one or two voices.  Quinn thinks the dummy might actually be the father of her child, not Puck.  Kurt is worried that the dummy is making a move on Finn. Rachel has a panic attack when the dummy sings better than her. Artie accidentially gets the dummy's arms stuck in a wheel of his chair, tearing one off.  Mercedes keeps trying to explain to the rest where the dummy's voice is actually coming from. Sue Sylvester continues to be a bitch.

All Gaga? Na.

I just saw a face, I couldn't forget the time or place.  It was on youtube.com, and it was a great, fun, wild video by Lady Gaga. It was just the cat's pajamas.*

I even started writing a song:

"I thought to myself, that face...

Could it be, should it be that face

The world be waiting for that face

To belong on a ventriloquist dummy?"**

I was so convinced. A shoe-in. A "well, duh!" All it would take was to look for some photos on The Google to confirm it.

But, alas, she didn't cut the mustard.* She's an outstanding, creative performer, but the " V face list" isn't about that. It's about remarkably interesting face shapes and features.

It might be I was reaching to be hip.*  Putting someone on the list that was current might make me a little current. That, however, is in direct contrast with my nature.  I wasn't current when I was current. I grew up on Ed Sullivan, and remember when The Johnny Carson Show was broadcast from New York.

Ahh, nostalgia. The great old acts of the great old days. So I give you possibly my all time favorite face from the past:

Comedian Moms Mabley.

Sorry, Joe Torre (The inaugural perfect "V face"), you got company at the top of the list now.

***

To understand that this pick is really pretty inspired, check out Moms on The Flip Wilson Show. I need to find better clips of her in her heyday. There was a time when comedy wasn't poop just jokes and vulgarities. She was from then, and was funnier for it.

***

*  Phrases/terms/words that tell you I'm too old to pretend to be new.  Saying "hip" is not hip.
** I made up a sweet melody to go along with the lyrics. It will cost you a beer to hear it, though.

With a bow on it

Are women such shallow, simple-minded beings that a gift of highly-polished cut rocks sway their emotions? I think not.

To counter jewelry store advertising that runs non-stop during my (and my wife's, by the way) beloved football games, here are two commercial spots that speak to my heart's desire.

COMMERCIAL SPOT ONE

The snow is falling, and a young couple are holding hands. She's carrying a case. They stop in the middle of a Christmas decorated town square, and gaze into each other's eyes.

"I love you," he says with sweet sincerity. She puts the case down, and opens it, pulling out a full-size Charlie McCarthy dummy.

He beams, embracing her.

Voice Over: "Give the gift that says I love you"

Musical Voice Over:  "Every Dummy Begins with Duh"

COMMERCIAL SPOT TWO

 Two male roommates (apartment sharers?) are chatting about their romantic lives in their underwear. MAN 2 is doing a crossword puzzle.

MAN 1:  So, how was your date with Sharon?

MAN 2 (smiling):  Not to shabbly...

MAN 1:  Think you two are going to ... ya know... go out again?

MAN 2 (looking up from the crossword): What's a 25 letter word for Really Romantically Interested?

MAN 1 takes the crossword and starts filling in the letter, then verbalizes the answer: She.. got.. tickets... to...Terry...Fator

The camera focuses tight on the crossword, where the letters are handwritten in:

S H E G O T T I C K E T S T O T E R R Y F A T O R

MAN 2 proudly displays the two tickets. MAN 1's face lights.

Music swells.  The men squeal and hug.

Um....Or not.

Okay. The second one needs work. Maybe the first one, too.

***

If these commercials are successful, I hope to write more commercials to market things guys really want. Next up:  Gorilla suits.

Pick-turesque

Towards the end of October, I took the lead in our family NFL Pick'em pool. And I am happy to post that I have now held it ever since. Even picking a few boners this week, I will still have a solid lead. My teenage son is baffled at my consistency, week in and week out.

With a 4 game lead over my wife, and 8 to 14 games ahead of the rest,  I'm feeling pretty cocky about it. It may have something to do with avoiding having to go to my back-up plan: to ask my dummy who he'd (or she'd) pick if I dropped out of the lead.

Now it looks like I and my regular readers (both of you) will have to wait until next year to find out what my dummy (or monkey) knows about football.

I am really curious how he feels about the whole Bart Favre thing. If my dummy's a Viking fan, I'm going to be - pardon my French - pissed.

***

Brent Favre? Bert Favre? You know, that guy who used to be a great guy when he played for the Green Bay Packers.  I know... Benedict Favre.

Not that I have any strong feelings about this or anything.

Hearing voices

A proper salute goes to my young friend Alicia (pronounced A-leeeeeeee-SHA), whose senior vocal recital At the University of Wisconsin - River Falls made for a delightful Friday evening.

Beautifully dressed and with a beaming smile, Alicia pointed her mezzo soprano voice at classical numbers in Italian, English, German, and, um, English. Although I know nothing of classical music, I think I know bad notes from good notes. All good notes, Alicia.

I realized as I watched her sing what a resource she could be. I'm betting she could teach me a lot about voice control, a vital talent in ventriloquism.

Next time I see her, I'll have to ask her if she ever tried to sing an aria without moving her mouth.

Um,  I probably should find a little better conversation starter.

***

Actually, how lucky I am to have such a talented friend. Fear not, Alicia. I won't draw you into this wacky ventriloquism madness. Unless you want to, of course.

Ma! Top of the world!

Is this cool or what?

Do a search on The Google with these words:

Ventriloquist

State

Dinner 

See what comes up as the first match?

Go on. Do it for me.

See it?

I am so proud. Not four months into ventriloquism, and I've made the top of at least one list already. Look out world!

***

Just for the record, there was no payola involved, either.

And a bouncer, too

Dear NASA and President Obama:

It's me again. No sooner did I put my letter to you in the mail yesterday than I saw in the news of the new space station module that will have huge windows and a great view. I love the module's name, Tranquility, too.  Bravo.

May I suggest, in the spirit of the great night clubs that capture magnificent views from atop big city skyscrapers, that this module be remodeled slightly.  Add a wetbar and a small stage and you have:

The Tranquility Club

The Universe's Most Exclusive Nightspot

I stand ready to be the club's act opening night, or whatever you guys consider "night."  How does that work, by the way, without the sun doing its 24 hour thing?  So much to learn.

Not only does this make my Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP) make even more sense, but it makes it even more obvious that I am the perfect candidate for the mission. Why me? Not only because of my ventriloquistic abilities (which is gettng better by the day) but because because my ice cream drink-making skills are legendary.

How could I not be at the top of the "get that guy into space" list with that one-two punch?

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

HAL, HAL, the gang's all here

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Thank you for such a polite and educational rejection letter.  Reading between the lines, I sense the actual excitement you share about my Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP). It is great that you subtly slipped me all the information I need to craft a real winner of a proposal next time.

The phrases "no recognizable scientific value" and "no demonstrable research methodology" spoke to me in spades. I get it! To get the sciencey mucky-mucks you have to stomach every day to buy in to VISP, you need some proper sounding claptrap, right?

Luckily, I remember my research methods and enough of my "Physics in Everyday Life" class give you what you need. Just raise your hand if you want me to go slower:

Background Facts: All matter can be converted into energy. All action is energy. Balls are matter. Ventriloquism is an action. Everything has something to do with energy.

Principle:  If you throw a ball in zero gravity it will continue on its path until it meets resistance, therefore...

Hypothesis:  If you throw your voice in zero gravity, it will continue until it meets resistance.

You see my experiment right there, don't you? If you put a ventriloquist in space who has irresistibly great material, you will achieve non-stop entertainment. (Ha! You didn't see that coming, did ya? See how awesome my material is? How much my fellow astronauts need me up there with them?)

I know, it sounds convoluted, but so do most experiments.

As always, I welcome your feedback, and thank you for your kind attention.

Sincerely,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

2012 - Alternate Ending

And long after the earth has cracked under our hero's feet one last time...

And after the waters recede, and the sun is able to shine though the once ash-filled sky, and families are reunited, and once-perfect strangers fall in love and make pre-whoopie noises, and all the selfishness of those who wanted to check their decency at the door for the sake of their own necks has been forgotten, and the poor worker guy who almost criminally caused the whole survival plan to fail - because he loved his ma and pa and wanted to save them - becomes irrelevant to the epilogue so we just let him off the hook...

A bald eagle drops a Mortimer Snerd dummy at the feet of John Cusack and Amanda Peet, and the round of smiles and assured nods from the cast tell us this is a sign that humanity has truly survived the apocalypse. Hallelujah.

The bald eagle meets up with its mate and flies off.

FADE OUT

***

Alternate, Alternate Ending

...And a darkish-skinned woman representing an unspecified ancient people glances at Mortimer Snerd, and notices how the face in the middle of the Mayan calendar she has in her hand looks a lot like a ventriloquist dummy.

FADE OUT

***

My endings are pretty s-w-e-e-t, aren't they?

I love a good "alpha-omega" ending. Or is the Mayan/dummy face thing an "alpha-omega-alpha" ending?