In the yard

In the yard

A poem by Lee Kisling

What’s creepier than a ventriloquist?

A ventriloquist standing in your yard

looking at your house

A one-eyed ventriloquist

Standing in your yard

In the rain, looking and looking,

Toward your lighted windows

Holding his dummy who is wearing

A garish plaid suit and his small head

Periodically turns to look back questioningly at

His master, then back to the house

And his mouth is moving like he is muttering –

What’s creepier than that? This:

Sometimes the ventriloquist turns his head

And looks at the dummy and the weather

Is getting worse and the water is streaming down

Their faces and then you notice that

Beside them there is a shovel and the

Ventriloquist drops the dummy, picks up the shovel

And starts digging a hole in front of your house

And you decide to call the police but your phone line

Has gone dead. 

What’s creepier than that?

Well. He digs the hole about 2 feet deep, then

Picks up the dummy and the 2 of them stare

At each other, then they both look at your house

For about a minute and then the soaking wet

Ventriloquist drops the dummy into the hole

And starts shoveling in the dirt. 

What’s creepier than that is that there is a tremendous

Boom of thunder and a blinding flash of light

Then

He is gone – nothing left except

The shovel

And the slashing cold

Rain.

###

Lee Kisling is the author of The Fool's War (HarperCollins, 1992). He will have a book of his poetry published in 2013.   In his book bio 19 years ago, he told everyone that he was a singer of silly songs and a sayer of wise sayings. Someone named Dan Bushman was given credit for his bio picture, and by doing that he also told the world he was my friend. He is still singing, still saying, and still my friend.

Thanks for the poem, Lee. I'm honored to have inspired this bit of fun. And...

BOO!

###

I did inspire this, didn't I? Or shouldn't I get a too big a head about it?

Gridiron Gurus '11: Week 8

Besides being really busy this week, there was another reason that there was no Recap post from last week.

The big reason is that 7-6 took some wind out some sails. Some giddy out of some giddy-up. Some rump out of some rumpus. Some...

You get the idea.

This week in the closing credits, Dan and George guarantee every pick is correct. They really are fearless, aren't they?

If this doesn't play here, view it in VentriloVision at http://youtu.be/whSL3_0EQrM.

Gridiron Gurus '11: Week 7

Yes, we know. Picks shows are supposed to be impartial.

Sure... and Fox News is fair and balanced, too.

Anywho, it's the first Packer-Viking game of the year.  And, by jingle, Dan and George are excited.

If it doesn't play here, watch it in VistaVision at http://youtu.be/lyKh2B0zu0w.

Week 6 Recap: Still better than Butkus...

I say 9-4 in a 13-game week is pretty gosh-darn good. And with a 63-27 overall, I'm still way better than Butkus.

I mean Ditka.

When it comes to remembering the names of legendary ex-Bears, a born-and-raised Packer fan can only say one word: Whatever.

(To all my writer friends:  I know, I should say "whoever" or "whomever", pending on whether I'm writing in the first person, or whether I've suddenly decided to switch to the "Royal 'We'".  Hey! In the blogging world, I may have just become the first blogger to give a  three games shucks*.  Do I get points for knowing it's a question not of to "what" but to "who/whom" I am referring?)

Let's move on.

Now, I'm three games behind the standard bearer, Tom Jackson.  Jackson is also the "best of the best" commentator on any of the shows and to be only three games behind him is like being in the third pew from the front at a Papal Mass.

Well, not exactly.** But, you get the idea.

Moving on to the "big board of ESPN's so called "experts", only three of them are better.

Considering I don't have any "inside skinny" and still make great picks,  I have to put this out there.

Question: Why are they on broadcast television and I'm not?

Answer: Politics.  Plain and simple.

Sure, I could go with:

Answer:  Dan and George are pioneers of both ventriloquist prognostication and webwave*** communication.

But honestly, what does Chris Mortensen (9 games worse than me) have that I don't? Besides hair?****

###

* Just to follow-up:  I really am writing this blog to see if I can bring my writing skills up.  When you're at the point that I am, it gets frustrating.  I would describe that point as "I know and apply standard grammar and punctuation pretty well, but show why I'm not teaching English embarrassingly often."

This still isn't as often as my lips move when I'm doing ventriloquism; nothing is that embarrassingly often.

Then again, I believe I would have to actually be embarrassed for it to be "embarrassingly" often. If you watch the videos, ask yourself:  Is that the face of an embarrassed man?

** It's nothing like that at all.

*** Webwaves is a word I invented.  When my friend Merriam (or his drinking buddy Webster) finally put it in their book, Budding Ventriloquist will get all the credit.

**** This is a rhetorical question. That's a question that doesn't need to be answered, typically because everyone knows the answer. Like... Do I have a hang-up about my hair line?

Don't answer that!

Gridiron Gurus '11: Week 6

This is a comeback week; A week that will make you forget that these picks can seem like they're coming out of a head full of poly-fill.

And, for those of you kind enough to remember, the brake job went great. Next big adventure: the Honda's drum brakes...

If this doesn't play here, view it in CinemaScope at http://youtu.be/JFXT9dkmYoc.

Week 5 Recap: or is it re-Crap?

As the saying goes, how the mighty have fallen.

6 and 7.  More wrong than right.

But, I have to point out after 5 weeks, Dan and George are 54-23.  Compared to the ESPN Sunday Countdown "experts", that's only 2 games behind Tom Jackson (the best of the best) and Chris Carter (Just another former Viking with no Super Bowl rings, so a choke is on the way for him).

And the Gurus are two games better than Keyshawn (kind'a cool, actually) Johnson and, take a deep breath and get ready to grin...

5 games better than Ditka.

Yea. Better than Ditka.

How cool is that?

Now as far as the "big" ESPN group (that includes Mike - not Bob the mullet-wearer - Golic), Dan and  George are better than 6 of 10, and only 2 games off the Merrill Hoge best of 56-21. 

So why are these "experts" more famous?

Big marketing money is'all. Not talent.

No sir.

You think Ron "I don't pick all the games" Jaworski can do ventriloquism?

I rest my case.

Gridiron Gurus '11: Week 5

Can you believe that on the weekend that I'm doing my first solo brake job, I managed to get this show filmed too?

Wish me luck.  And if there's no Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus next week, send flowers to Hudson Memorial Hospital. I really goofed bad.


If it doesn't play here, watch it in Sensurround at http://youtu.be/gvEjEHyR94k

Week 4 Recap: Oh,oh.

Oh, oh.

That's a universal noise of concern. It's deep-fried oops with a side of panic.

Don't get me wrong. 11-5 is still some darn tootin' good picking and Dan and George are still ahead of the whole ESPN panel.  High water marks from last year seem to be the norm so far this year.

But oh, oh.

Last week as part of gloating, I made fun of a man named Bob Golic. A very big man named Bob Golic. He was a professional football player. He was an actor.

But he had, at one point in his life, wore a mullet. This drew my scorn, and I gloated that the Guru picks were better than the ones he does for ESPN. And I made fun of his once mullet-ed fashion sense. I even made fun of his acting. What a snot I am.

However, Bob Golic does not make picks or do any football commentary for ESPN. His brother and also former football player - Mike Golic - does.

Mike Golic has never worn a mullet.

And he, too was not just a professional football player, but he was a defensive lineman. Just like Bob.

And just like Mark Schlereth, who like MIKE Golic, is picking pretty well, but still one game behind Dan and George. Mr. Schlereth was an offensive guard.  Another "big guy" position.

They all do seem to understand the concept of friendly banter among collegial rivals.

Then again, they all have the capacity to knock me silly. Rip me apart limb for limb.

And most concerning to George, beat the stuffing out of us.

Oh, oh.

###

Just getting this post wrapped up and posted during my lunch break.  It's just been a busy week. It's not that admitting that dissing behemoths wrongly make me fear for my ever aging body...

But yea, it does.

Um, hey Bob Golic... Just kidding?

And hey Mike Golic: confusing you with a mullet-wearer isn't really an insult.

Is it?