Orange whip? Orange whip?

With the monumental effort to organize the Ventriloquists Down Under Week consuming my entire staff, Budding Ventriloquist elected not to cover the FIFA World Cup. Also, after watching the England-USA match, I still have that confounded vivizozobobo (what ever!) horn sound in my head.

However, with a big match between USA and Slovenia coming up, which will undoubtedly raise already strained international tensions – this web site has raised the Budding Ventriloquist Slovenian Relations Monitor status to ORANGE. .

To paraphrase the incomparable C.W. McCall*, "Mercy sakes alive, good buddy. Looks like we got us a quagmire - again."

For new readers, this whole issue/dilemma/quagmire/crisis thing came down like this: 

• The Budding Ventriloquist Winter Olympic Coverage ™ highlights the athletes and ventriloquists of Slovenia. Well… there were athletes, but no ventriloquists.
• I challenge Slovenian athletes to take home medals, promising I would go to Slovenia and perform a ventriloquist act if they do.
• They did!
• I didn’t!
• I think the Slovenians might feel a bit stiffed. They haven’t contacted me about it, but people who feel stiffed might just sulk.
• The color code alert system was developed to keep you informed 24/7.
• I suspect that the Slovenian Secret Police have been stalking me. I can’t say I’ve seen them, but then they wouldn’t be secret police if a neophyte like me would notice them, would they?
• I’ve been quite nervous about coincidences. For instance got a nail in my tire, and I never saw a nail like it before. It seemed… foreign.
• I have tried to write the State Department, but the new MS word software kept losing my document. Lord, I hate upgrades.

 So as we wait here in the states (I’m not giving away our location, am I?) for the match on Friday morning, we need to be vigilant. But please, if you have a Slovenian friend or neighbor, give them a hug, not a stink eye. Invite them over. Tell them you’re looking for a better recipe for Belokranjska povitica (the precursor to the nut roll). They will beam with national pride.

Unless, of course, they have suspicious, secret police-looking mustaches. Then all I ask is please – don’t bring up ventriloquism.

***

At the risk of seeming Un-American, I am cheering for Slovenia. I learned a lot when I researched the country and it's people. It seems like a great place with strong, noble people.  In fact, if they win, I will go to Slov... wait.

Oh, man. I almost did it again.

***

Is that car on the street in from of my house on of my kid's friends cars? Looks pretty vanilla, like I shouldn't be noticing it. Like a secret police guy would drive.

***

I created a page they you can click to to read all the gritty details post by post as they happened. One day, the National Archives will thank me for it.

***

*For the young'uns out there, C.W. McCall performed a 1970s classic hit, "Convoy", which was about truckers and CB radios.  The 1970s were not good music years.

But here it is, for educational purposes only.

Let's have another go, shall we?

Blogging can make you so crazy. You want to make sure you do certain things like clockwork, and then you get overwhelmed.

Like learning ventriloquism.

I've been writing Budding Ventriloquist now for over 8 months, and have I made any great strides? Can a guy who is the only ventrilo-journalist* to cover the Winter Olympics possibly practice slurring over the B sound?

Can a man who peeks around corners looking for the Slovenian secret police (those rascals know how to keep a low profile) because he challenged Slovenian Olympians to excel with a bet that he lost, and now owes a country a ventriloquism show... I have to stop. (Look back to Quagmire, Smagmire if this doesn't ring a bell)

My blood pressure is up just thinking about it. Can a spirit that's on a Budding Ventriloquist Mystic Adventure (TM) actually learn to talk without lips?

Don't say it. I know.

Yes, I need to now re-re-re-re-re-re-commit. Three of the "re"s are for months I didn't already re-commit(when I was busy with Olympic stuff, remember?) .

Are we up-to-date? Must I grovel more?

Don't answer that.

***

After careful analysis of thousands and thousands of pieces of "intel," careful vigilance, and a supremely coordinated international effort to confirm every possible suggestion of malfeasance, we are lowering the Slovenian Relations Monitor Status to Yellow. And just like if Homeland Security was running it, please remember that the lowering of the status to yellow still requires you to spy on:

• Your neighbors, 
• Your co-workers, and
• Your relatives.

You no longer need to spy on your neighbor's or co-worker's relatives, unless there's nobody looking.

No, this is not some sneaky ploy to draw the Slovenian Secret Police out in the open; those rascally rascals who have been evading my most cautious awareness, and quick glances, and "quick, down the alley" meneuvers on the way home. That would be a bit more cunning than a man who can't really do ventriloquism (yet) could concieve. 

You must believe that.

***

* Ventrilo-journalism is what this blog is. That makes me sort the Hunter S. Thompson of the ventriloquist world. You see that, don't you? No one else is, right?

I like it. I'm on the jagged new edge of gonzo ventriloquism.

Your 24/7 source?

At the top of the hour:

A potential mid-term election issue: Proccupied with healthcare reform and jobs bills, President Obama puts Ventriloquist In Space Program (VISP) on the back burner.

Focus on Fashion: Ventriloquist in Space logo - the now and happening tramp stamp, or 70s throwback?

Solvenian Quagmire, Day 25:  Same quag, different day

Movies: Feature film aVENTar snubbed by Academy snobs. (See plot and ad)

Vent Channel to Conan:  It's been a week, make up your mind.
Hugh Laurie: House MD has an "American accent", or is it ventriloquism?

Budding Ventiloquist Olympics Coverage: Best Olympic coverage by any ventriloquism website.

Max LeMonk Special Commentary: No Logo Thursday's identity crisis.

And a real Slovenian translator, please...

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Just a couple of things today. I know you're busy with your current missions and health care reform.

First: I sense you might be a little anxious about the Ventriloquist In Space Program (VISP) these days, and I admit I deserve the blame. As you fight for funds at congressional hearings, you sure don't need dweebs like Senator Orrin Hatch asking you, "So, is this the same budding ventriloquist who dragged this country into the Slovenian quagmire?"

Believe me, it's got my undies in a bundle, too. Right now, the nickels and dimes that I had been squirreling away for my pedometer (astronauts must be ever fit!) are now going into the "superfund" for my inevitable ventriloquist tour of Slovenia.  Just when you folks and I were making some headway, too.

I do have a solution that might turn this lemon into lemonade, and it comes down to two words: Slovenian in space.

You make the offer to the good people of Slovenia to put one of their own on a mission. Start teaching him (or her) all the astronaut stuff. I work on my ventriloquism (and my Slovenian). By the time we a blasting off together in a few years, everybody's smiling and clinking bottles. Problem solved.

Second: How do you like the VISP logo?  Pretty sweet, huh?

Now that we have a logo - I need to ask if you could sport me, oh, $100,000 or so for stationery.  Trust me, with the PR campaigns (English and Slovenian) that I have planned, I don't want to underestimate the supplies.

Do you have any idea how much stationery gets wasted in printer/copier paper jams alone? Let's just say Senator Hatch have a hearing on that issue and let you poor guys alone. There's a balanced budget, if not a whole new global ecomony, to be gained by cutting out that waste.

Hope you and your families are well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours in space,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

***

The status of Slovenian relations is available 24/7 by checking the color code in the sidebar.  The status as of this posting continues to be Orange. Yep, it's a quagmire, all right.

Quagmire, smagmire

I'm working on it.

Faced with a certain sense of inevitability, I'm working on my ventriloquism. And, I'm working on my Slovenian. And, I am going to eat a lot of bologna sandwiches, and save my lunch money, and squirrel it away.

A promise it a promise.  I just know that as sure as an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing would eventually type out all the works of Shakespeare - My butt is going to wind up in Slovenia. 

(Shhh. Don't let my wife know about the money thing. It's a surprise. I'm taking her with.)

What am I talking about?
I'm talking about a mess. During the Budding Ventriloquist Winter Olympic Coverage (TM), I made this inspirational challenge to the Slovenian athletes:

If Slovenia takes a medal in the 2010 Winter Games, I will do everything in my power to travel to Slovenia and give them a ventriloquism show.

I even picked two athletes, Tina Maze and Petra Majdic, to talk up and personally cheer on.

What happened?
They won medals. Both of them!

Petra broke four ribs when she crashed on the course.  Did she stop? No. And Tina showed my challenge was better than being on the cover of Slovenian Sports Illustrated* - because it's surely no jinx.

So what's the problem?

I'm broke. Broke, broke, broke. I can't afford this.

Any other problems?

None that a little talent wouldn't solve. Like speaking Slovenian and being able to do ventriloquism.

Why worry?
These people lived under the dictatorship of Marshall Tito. And to be sure, these good people are free of that. But one only wonders about the secret factions looking to relive all that dictatory stuff on the head of a foreigner who doesn't keep promises.

Or maybe, just maybe, they might just consider it a snub, creating an international incident. The next thing you know, the US government is trying to buy their goodwill back with the shares of General Motors that we own. Remember the Yugo? 

(To be accurate, the Yugo automobile was manufactured in Serbia/Yugoslavia, not Slovenia/Yugoslavia - but you see where I'm going here?)

Mountain? Molehill?

I just don't want this to be a grassy knoll.  The mysterious nail in my tire is as mysterious as the Slovenian secret police, if you get my drift.

Current Status: Orange

Borrowing a brilliant concept from the Homeland Security peeps, you'll be able to check on the status 24/7 by visiting this blog and checking the color coding system.

The current status - Orange - means we're in a quagmire, requiring heightened ... stuff.

Yea. Stuff.

Come on, people - a little break, please. Just because I covered the Olympics doesn't mean I can just pull this crisis management stuff out of thin air. Or is it just "quagmire" management stuff right now?

See? Now even I'm confused.

***

* Slovenian Sports Illustrated is an illusory, metaphorical, and conceptual artifice.  That means I just made that up.

***

Readers Poll

 What conveys more urgency: The tropical orange that the word "quagmire" is in, or the burnt orange that is on the chart?

The polls are open, and like they say in Illinois: Vote early. Vote often.

Rising Sun's of a gun

歓迎、発芽の声の手品師の冬オリンピック適用範囲への私の日本の友人。

Welcome, my Japanese Friends, to the Budding Ventriloquist  Winter Olympic Coverage.

Daisuke Takahashi has already taken medal (bronze) in men's figure skating for the Rising Sun, as has Joji Kato (bronze) and Keiichiro Nagashima (Silver) in men's speed skating.  Japan sends one of the largest teams (94 athletes) to the games, so I'm betting they are in it to win more.

The Japanese are the first country other than the US that I've found have their own Japan Ventriloquist's Association. Here's a picture from their annual festival.  Whenever I see picture like this, I have to remember there's only half as many people there as it appears.

Is it possible that the same goes for the Olympic team? That there are only 47 athletes from Japan? Just thinking.

I'm going to keep hunting for some better video from the JVA festival. If you find some that's good fun, let me know.

What I did find is Tazuko and Sakiko, showing that dummies can really get the funk out on the dance floor at the Vent Haven Convention here in the US.

***

Just as another note to the explosive international situation I created by promising to perform ventriloquism in Slovenia, since yesterday's "fess up" post, the number of hits BV has had from Slovenia has doubled. That's right, doubled.

My only solice is that the Slovenian secret police probably know-how to check out BV secretly, without the flag counter picking it up. So hits I see aren't them.

Wait. That means that they secretly could be...

I am in such trouble.

Yes, I promised - Who knew?

***Bulletin***

***Actual Olympic News With Huge Future Ramifications On My Life (AONWHFROML)***

On Saturday, February 20, at 2:15 PM:

• While I was voluunteering on the stage crew for our local childrens theater group's production of "Willy Wonka";
• While Willy was singing "The Candy Man", not the way Sammy Davis, Jr. did with a lot of jazzy stuff but pretty darn good anyway;
• And my daugher was getting ready to make her entrance as Mrs. Beauegard;
• And my wife was shopping the winter clearance clothes sales...

...Tina Maze of Slovenia took a silver medal in the Super G Downhill skiing.

AND.. earlier this week, slovenian cross-country skier Petra Majdic had four broken ribs and a collapsed lung when she won a bronze medal. She had crashed in a trail run, severely injuring herself. And yet, she forged on.

(Sorry I totally missed the amazing story on Petra earlier.  This is what I get for having dummies on my coverage team.)

This so incredibly wonderful for them. Now, for me...

My regular readers know what I'm getting to.  On February 5, when I reviewed Slovenia's olympic and ventriloquist outlook, and I made this statement:

"I read great things about Slovenian history, the people, and their athletes. I have hope for prosperity in their future. Therefore, I will make this challenge to their athletes:

If Slovenia takes a medal in the 2010 Winter Games, I will do everything in my power to travel to Slovenia and give them a ventriloquism show."

Yes, I made "the big challenge." I even wrote about Tina and Petra.  By name. I ran their pictures. I almost retracted the pledge, not wanting it to put extra pressure on Tina and Petra, like it was a Sports Illustrated cover jinx.

But what did these wonderful athletes do?  They responded to the challenge as true Olympic competitors do.

But now every time my cell phone rings, I'm going to be expecting the Slovenia Minister of Art to be calling to schedule my gig!

I am so flat broke!  What am I going to do? Please know, there is nothing I want to do more than fulfill my promise. I'd be thrilled to actually learn some Slovenian ... and some ventriloquism, too.

And, to make this an even bigger deal, the Slovenian Olympic people are protesting the cross country course as too fast and dangerous. These kind of issues get magnified when there's a ventriloquist visit involved.

I didn't mean to set up an international incident. I better let the State Department know. Now.