Where's the tusk a-loose'a?

Budding Ventriloquist: Influences

Chapter 4: Groucho Marx

This is a republishing of this magnificent tome because there was a big "oops" at Blogger.Com, my usually charming host.  I feel bad for them. I should put a link for that "So Ya Had a Bad Day" song. At least someone should.  My fellow bloggers are getting kind'a mean to them. I'm sure they did their best.

***

See the end of this post the full introduction ("The Rationale") to this series. I'm compulsive about making sure my prickle* of regular readers - new and tenured - know the premise. I'm not just doing this for my health! No! There's important journalistic reasoning and rationale behind this.

***

Like so many that fall into the category of "comic influences,"  there's no pithy turn-of-phrase I can add to the volumes already written about why Groucho Marx  and the Marx Brothers were funny.

But there were watershed days in my understanding of their shtick, particularly Groucho's.

My Lydia Moment

At the age of 12 or 13, I memorized every word of the At the Circus performance of Lydia the Tattooed Lady.  I had taped the song off Doctor Demento's  radio show. So, along with the song Shaving Cream and Nervous Nervous's song Transfusion and a dozen other masterworks of doggerel, I was listening to this while my schoolmates where listening to Tie a Yellow Ribbon and other life classics by the incomparable Tony Orlando and Dawn.

This made me pretty unique as I entered seventh grade and junior high school.  Surprisingly or perhaps not surprisingly, the other "uniques" and those attracted to unique became my friends. 

But this was not the Lydia Moment.

Then, in about 1976, the movie Animal Crackers was re-released to the big screen in actual big screen theaters that only had one big screen in one big room. My friends and I were off to the theater at Mayfair Mall, where we laughed for hours and left singing Hooray for Captain Spaulding. Though not as dense and complicated as Lydia, it was a marvelous film moment and a brilliant piece of musical theater.

Most important, I got all the wry, sardonic wit that was Groucho and his brothers. 

But this was not my Lydia moment.

That moment came one night when I was about 18 years old.

And before I explain this "great ah-hah," please know I do not think I was unusually naive or uninformed or a stranger to sexual innuendo at 18. My vocabulary was large for my age, and my sense of humor was not unsophisticated (for 18, which is to say I had abandoned fart jokes as quite uncouth - yes, quite).

But I had thought of Lydia as just kind of a naughty, ridiculous song about a tattooed lady, and naughty only because it was about a woman's body.**  I had even filed it away in my deep memory for a few years, spending more time being amazed with the first few seasons of Saturday Night Live.

Then for some reason I hearkened it back into my working memory, probably to perform it for friends, probably over the beer that was legal for 18-year-olds to drink back then. And when it dawned on me the double entendre of:

She once swept an admiral clear of his feet

The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat

and now the old boy's in command of the fleet...

Oh. Oh, my.

He's in command of the fleet, huh?

Then I went back to the beginning of the song, got over feeling dumb for not getting a 100 things the first 100 times I listened to the song, and suddenly re-understood  a 100 more lines in Marx Brothers movies in the wink of an eye.

The words "clever" and "witty" meant something different to me from then on and to today. Something much better.

My After Lydia Moment
Legend has it that Groucho ad libbed a line in Night at the Opera that stopped the shoot until the crew could stop laughing. Margaret Dumont, the ever-present foil, is said to have never understood what was so funny because presumably she didn't get most of the jokes.

The brothers and Dumont are heading up the gangplank, with the men carrying luggage and steamer chests up the steep ramp.  Dumont, in the lead, turns and asks Groucho, "Do you have everything?"

Groucho quickly replies, "Well I've never had any complaints."

Once you get that one, there's no going back.

***

The Rationale

I hear it all the time. The question the world wants answered. And it usually comes out this way:

"Dan. Can I call you 'Dan'? Dan, how did your mind get this way? Where did the buds of the Budding Ventriloquist come from?"

Well, that's actually two questions. Three questions if you count the ingratiating 'Can I call you Dan' thing.

There's no one answer, of course. But sorting out the riddle leads to this series, Budding Ventriloquist: Influences. Intentionally, there's no particular order to who goes first, no attempt to be linear. A sense of humor that developed in a straight forward way is not a sense of humor at all. That is just not how it works.

***

* A prickle is a group of porcupines.

** I guess I feel like I need to explain this with more clarity to not seem so geeky (or is it dorky?), but perhaps if I just say "Catholic upbringing" you understand.

***

No, this wasn't posted from my smartyphone. Not even close. First, I have to figure out how to stop calling people by mistake, answer it when it rings, and stop turning on the dang weather app.

Then watch out!

No, not Russia. But a bit of Canada, if you look just right

Yes, my clattering* of regular readers, you are looking right at a No Logo Thursday entry since October 7.  That was about the time that the overwhelming task of producing an episode of Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus every week of the NFL season became, well, overwhelming.

But as the saying goes:

If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

Well there it is. No doubt about it.  No Logo Thursday is mine! All mine! Moohhaaaa hahahah!

***

Greetings from Ely, Minnesota.  Ely is up north. Way up north. It's up-10-miles-from-the-Canadian-border- north.

It's the home of Vermilion Community College, where my son is going to school next fall.  And I must say, I like it here.

I just want to share a few quick observations about Ely:

• It's a nice-sized town. Big enough to have a community feel. That makes me feel good for my son, because I still believe that the words "it takes a village" still are some of the more important words in the last 20 years.
• WELY - End of the Road Radio - sounds just was wonderful coming through the air as it does streaming to my desktop at work. (Yes, IT guy. I slow the network down. Go ahead. Tell your boss on me. Oh wait, you report to me.  HAH!)
• Everyone I told about my trip up here told me about one shop or another that I had to go to Ely. And folks, I believe you.  But when it's the first week of April, which is a lot like "still winter" up here, they are all closed, or closed at 6-ish. So I will have to see what tomorrow brings.
• There seems to be a lot of liquor stores. A disproportionate number. I'm betting I know what the third biggest hobby up here is (after "fishin' and huntin" and "huntin' and fishin'"). This makes me feel not quite as good as before for my son. I'm sure I'll see something good tomorrow that will put this out of my mind.
• He and I took a long walk around town and wound up watching two guys show blowing the baseball field.  I guess even here, where the snow pack will linger for weeks, when it's time to play ball, it's time to play ball.
• I didn't bring my puppet, George, with me.  I thought about it but realized that my son might be upset by it.  I told him when we were walking that I thought about it. He said it would have really upset him. See? I'm not totally clueless, though I don't really understand what the objection it. Kids. Go figure.
• I am looking forward to seeing more tomorrow, and enjoying the enrollment process at the school.

Overall, from what I've seen so far, there is no doubt in my mind that the only thing that would make Ely even better is having a resident ventriloquist.

***

* A clattering is a group of choughs. A chough is a member of the crow family; probably one of those members who conveniently has something else "going" when all the family holiday get-togethers happen.

I'll have a cosmic muffin to go...

Budding Ventriloquist: Influences

Chapter 2: Deteriorata

***

See the end of this post the full introduction ("The Rationale") to this series.  I'm compulsive about making sure my rookery* of regular readers - new and tenured - know the premise.  I'm not just doing this for my health! No! There's important journalistic reasoning and rationale behind this.

I swear there is.

***

If there is a single recording that stands as a touchstone in art of parody, it is the National Lampoon's Deteriorata - a spoof of Les Crane's 1972 recording Desiderata. Crane's record is a recitation of a poem that, according to (the highly inaccurate and never to be used for serious research but in this case appears to be correct enough) Wikipedia:

...Exhorts the reader to "be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be", and to "keep peace with your soul". "With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams," ... "it is still a beautiful world."

The "real" recording was one of those tunes on the radio that played on mainstream/Top 40 radio as a novelty/change-of-pace ditty. People thought was really cool the first week and wished it would go away afterwards. It won a Grammy for best spoken word in 1971, which might say more about the Grammys than it does about the poem.

Then, in 1972, Tony Hendra and The National Lampoon recorded Deteriorata for their Radio Dinner album.

It gave me words to live by.  It gave me a credo.  It gave me an ethos.

And when you get why this is so gosh darn funny, you'll get most of the jokes I make.


(Though the slide show from this version out on youtube is good, please read along instead. It will make you a better person. I promise.)

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here.

Deteriorata. Deteriorata.

Go placidly amid the noise and waste,

And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,

And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,

and despite the changing fortunes of time,

There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember The Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.

Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,

Especially with those persons closest to you - 

That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls

Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan.

And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken.

Take heart in the bedeepening gloom

That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,

It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe.

You have no right to be here.

And whether you can hear it or not,

The universe is laughing behind your back.


Therefore, make peace with your god,

Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,

The world continues to deteriorate.

Give up!

Some trivia (again from that source of absolutely false information):

• Les Crane himself admitted to preferring this version over his Grammy-winning recording of the original poem.
• Voice-over talent Norman Rose read the "poem" and then-little known Melissa Manchester was a background singer on the chorus section of the song.
• Christopher Guest** wrote the music.

Maybe for you to really appreciate how spot-on perfect it is, here is the original. Please, this time watch someone's interpretive slide show, too.  It is weirdly hilarious in it's placid seriousness that it's almost a parody in an of itself. (You might just OMG a few times.)

***

Have you decided whether your god is a "hairy thunderer" or "cosmic muffin" yet?


I haven't.

***

* A rookery is a group of albatross.

** Although perhaps best known as Nigel Tufnel in This is Spinal Tap, Christopher Guest more importantly was the voice of Flash Bazbo, Space Explorer. on the National Lampoon Radio Hour. More importantly to me, at least. I am trying to figure out whether the impact of Flash Bazbo on my karma is one chapter of the BV:Influences series or whether it should be a series all onto itself. 


And to think you have no idea who Flash Bazbo is. Geesh.

***

Yes. Save your emails. The National Lampoon Radio Hour gets it own chapter. Maybe more than one. Why would you even think that isn't in the offing?

***

The Rationale

I hear it all the time. The question the world wants answered. And it usually comes out this way:

"Dan. Can I call you 'Dan'? Dan, how did your mind get this way? Where did the buds of the Budding Ventriloquist come from?" 

Well, that's actually two questions. Three questions if you count the ingratiating 'Can I call you Dan' thing.

There's no one answer, of course. But sorting out the riddle leads to this series,Budding Ventriloquist: Influences. Intentionally, there's no particular order to who goes first, no attempt to be linear. A sense of humor that developed in a straight forward way is not a sense of humor at all. That is just not how it works. But , trying to figure it out is helping me get my writing jones back, and that's a good thing.

Gridiron Gurus - Super Bowl XLV

This is it. The last episode of Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus for the season.  And how much cooler could it be than the show reveals whether the fearless prognosticators pick the Green Bay Packers (a personal favorite) or the Pittsburgh Steelers (a team that wears black).

The pick might surprise you. And for the first time all year, George and I are in total agreement.

Really.  It might. Or, it might not.

Enjoy.

(If it doesn't play here,  go to  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IH4JClBLiWk.  It's too good to miss!)

***

To my flange* of regular readers and viewers:

Thanks for watching the season progress.  Now we, the entire production crew of BVPGG will have the off season to figure out how to make Gurus, Season 2 even bigger and better.  Believe it or not, George is already saying, "next year, let's try ..."

***

*A Flange is a group of baboons. Yes, I just love the word. No, you are not baboons to me. Far from it.

(Did I talk my way out of that one good enough? Hope so.)

The King's Dummy

For the next month, Budding Ventriloquist will explore the Academy Award nominees for Best Picture. The issue is not which one is "best." The issue is: Which movie would be even better if ventriloquism was part of the story?

***First in a series***

The King's Speech

Opening Scene
Prince Albert walks to the podium at Wembley Stadium and, because of a terrible stammering problem, makes the entire crowd rife with pain.  Because the crowd was all Brits, no one could tell, really, except for Prince Albert, of course.  He feels terrible for torturing the crowd.  Apparently, Brits just know when they do that to each other.

The plot thickens
The eventual Queen Mum, Albert's wife, goes to Lionel Logue - speech therapist, actor wannabe, Aussie.  He hands Prince Albert a ventriloquist dummy, and suggests that the prince would be able to rid himself of stammering (and forgive his mother) if he learned now to perform ventriloquism. The Prince at first rejects Logue's unconventional method.

Until it runs like molasses
The Prince goes to a party hosted by his brother, King Edward, and his gay lover - or so he assumed.  After finding out that Wallis Simpson was a woman (not Wallace...), the Prince returns to Logue, and learns to use his dummy to mock the Archbishop of Canterbury, and after becoming King George VI, uses ventriloquism to repel the Huns and claim victory in World War II.  Logue coaches King George in cussing and gets the King to believe that the audience for his radio addresses to the nation - the people of Britain - never see his lips move.

***

The trick of this series is going to be whether I can get to go to all of the movies nominated to have a good basis for making up this foolishness.  There's 10 in all. I've already seen three or four.

Will you, my flamboyance* of regular readers, be able to tell which ones I've seen and which ones I'm just faking?  (Yes, I realize that, in an of itself, is a ridiculous question, coming from a budding ventriloquist.)

Do you think I actually saw The King's Speech?

Hmmm, you say?

***

* A Flamboyance is a group of flamingos.

***

Do you think Geoffrey Rush might just be a nominee as a face that belongs on a ventriloquist dummy?

Ohhh, do I have an idea about a different way to consider the nominated actors. You see what's coming, don't you?

Why didn't I think of this before!

Stiffed...

What did it take?

• Did George have to chew off one of his arms like in 127 Hours? Or chew off one of Dan's?
• Did Dan have to do his best John Wayne imitation like in True Grit? "Or see you hang at Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience"?
• Be even more groundbreaking on the World Wide Web like in The Social Network? Cripes! Don't even get me started about re-writing the rules of the webwaves*...
• Did the fearless prognosticators have to put on tutus? Real, imaginary or otherwise...
• Did Dan and George have to have trouble talking, like in The King's Speech? With God as my witness, you'd think the difficulty speaking clearly  issue was obvious...

I guess it's all moot now anyway.  The score is The King's Speech - 12 Academy Award nominations, True Grit - 10 nominations, The Social Network - a bunch, Black Swan - a boatload, 129 Hours - enough...

And Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus - none.

Nada.

I know.  The sound wasn't very good, and sometimes the shot wasn't even framed up square, so I can see being shut out of all the technical awards, but...

Just tell me - who's a more lovable curmudgeon?  Rooster Cogburn or George?

Was it because I would not do the shameless self-promotion?  Or because Hollywood is just all about politics? And who knows who?

Maybe I should have done the "do lunch" thing, or at least the "do coffee" thing. Or (with my real life budget in mind) maybe just a few well-placed Andes candies in the mail might have set the tone.  Who really knows - could'a worked.

Then again, George didn't exactly "work it" either.

Maybe next year, like when the Lord of the Rings movies didn't win the first time, but later, as sort of a homage to a body of work...

Yes, that must be what the Academy is up to.  I'm sure of it.

***

To my bed** of regular readers and viewers:

January was a slow, sleepy month dominated by my Green Bay Packers and their quest for the Super Bowl. And I hope you can tell, the Gurus shows took some tender loving care, right down to wardrobe! (Yep - no costume Oscar nomination, either.)

But it's going to be a great new year.  I ran across the logos for No Logo Thursday, and Blog Oleo, and Mystic Moment, and I got excited for these and new stuff, too.  BV is going to burn even brighter in 2011.

Everybody! With me! Sing!

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine...

Sorry, got carried away there.

***

* Webwaves is still my very own word.
** A Bed is a group of clams -at least in this reference.

Gurus! Tomorrow! Head-to-head against....

Good afternoon, my cete* of regular readers and viewers.  If you surfed here to see Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus (BVPGG) - The Conference Championships, you need to know - I need your help tomorrow morning - big time!

How, I hear you cry?

The show will first post Sunday morning. For the first time, BVPGG is going head-to-head in the ratings battle for pregame show ratings supremacy.

Who will draw the biggest audience?

These guys?

Or these guys?

Or these guys?

Or these guys?

Or...

THESE GUYS?

All we know for sure is that the entire production staff of Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus is saying an extra prayer to Saint Arbitron tonight. And with your help, those prayers will be answered.

Remember, the show is less than 4 minutes long. So view early, view often, and may the best gurus win.

***

* a cete is a group of badgers.

Merry Ventriloquist Christmas

On the twelfth day of Ventriloquist Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Twelve puppet outfits!

Eleven ad lib comebacks

  Ten loyal groupies

Nine solid gigs 

Eight laughing fans

Seven hearty encores

Six classic shticks

Five Funny Jokes

Four face expressions

Three corny hats

Two moving eyebrows

And a brand new Ven-tril-o-quist Dummy

***

George only got one new outfit (not twelve), but a dandy one it is. Now that he's a media star and the ventriloquism football prognoisticator creating the most buzz on the webwaves, he does need to project a hip, stylish imagine, eh?

***

The exercise outfit for George should inspire a new series after the football season is over.  I'm thinking...

Getting Ripped with George

Yes, I know. But it's only my first idea...

Twelfth Day Eve

On the eleventh day of Ventriloquist Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Eleven ad lib comebacks

  Ten loyal groupies

Nine solid gigs 

Eight laughing fans

Seven hearty encores

Six classic shticks

Five Funny Jokes

Four face expressions

Three corny hats

Two moving eyebrows

And a brand new Ven-tril-o-quist Dummy

***

Almost ready for the big ending? Getting pretty out of breath, aren't ya? I'm glad I've given you yet another reason for Christmas Day to finally arrive.

And if you're too busy with family and presents and Christmas traditions to log on tomorrow, have yourself a merry little Christmas. Let your hearts be light.

Gridiron Gurus - Week 16

Yes, it's only Thursday. I can hear you shutter in amazement. This week's Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus is ready for your viewing pleasure and it's not even Saturday.

If you are thinking, "But wait. Where's the Thursday's pick in the form of a  'State Joke' I've been waiting for? That I've been learning to adore?" 

Just wait until next week.  This week is Christmas and Santa's getting on his long johns for the big trip and checking out your chimney. He hopes he's a perfect fit. Perfect or not ... he can't wait for to say, "ho, ho, ho!" or something like that.

Happy Holidays.

If this doesn't play here, check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqrwE5Q1h4Y.

***

I missed a post yesterday, so today is a double header!  Everybody sing!

On the ninth day of Ventriloquist Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Nine solid gigs

Eight laughing fans

Seven hearty encores

Six classic shticks

Five Funny Jokes

Four face expressions

Three corny hats

Two moving eyebrows

And a brand new Ven-tril-o-quist Dummy

On the tenth day of Ventriloquist Christmas, my true love gave to me...

 Ten loyal groupies

Nine solid gigs 

Eight laughing fans

Seven hearty encores

Six classic shticks

Five Funny Jokes

Four face expressions

Three corny hats

Two moving eyebrows

And a brand new Ven-tril-o-quist Dummy