The skipper too?

Dear NASA and President Obama:

How are ya?

Sorry to hear about the lost satellite this week. I hear you think it's in the Pacific Ocean with the rest of the rocket and you are not sure right now whether you're going to try and find it.

Yikes! I can't tell you how important the answer to that question is, and how much it needs to be a resounding "yes."

You see, here at the Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP), we understand failure.  Holy Mahoney, do I understand failure.  If you look at the amount of funding I have been able to get even when the Democrats controlled both houses of Congress, you know what I mean. Not to be snippy, but you didn't do much better, although you did get more than zero.

I can't even get that Boehner guy on the phone.

But I digress.

Perhaps when it comes to a failed launch crashing into the ocean, The thoughts here at VISP should be explained this way:

• Given that one of us on board of the VISP flights is what you might consider to be an inanimate object, your indifference to immediate rescue is still going over as a bit callus.
• Yes, I know. I can envision the form. I know you have to check a box.  So if only a ventriloquist dummy is on board, it does mean you check "Unmanned" rather than "Manned." So, there's a risk. I get it.
• I do stand firm that listing any of the ventriloquist "partners" on the cargo manifest would be an insulting indignity.

Moreover, and perhaps in a more hopeful vein, I am considering the reality of ending up out in the ocean like this satellite. To wit, my son (acting as adjunct staff of VISP) has started and is already into streaming the third season of Lost.  When he's done, he'll be providing a full report on survival skills needed to survive such a crash. His early reports are kind of startling... and creepy.

His report will be intermixed with data I'm gathering from Tom Hanks' Castaway, Disney's Swiss Family Robinson, the Clark Gable version of Mutiny on the Bounty, and, of course, the original reality series Gilligan's Island.

You see, here at the Ventriloquist In Space Program I learned long ago that, as the old saying goes, when given lemons, make lemonade. Want a glass? Only 50 cents. Talk about alternative funding strategies, huh?

And by the way, although I haven't written to you lately, I do think you might initiate contact every once in a while. Or should I say, at least once.  My apologies if that's you  on my cell phone voicemail. I forgot my password a while ago. Hey, who hasn't?

Say hi to the kids with a big hug from me. Hope they are enjoying school.

Yours in space,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

Sixer, Fiver, Fourer, Threer, Twoer, Oner....

Dear NASA and President Obama:

How are ya?

Just want to know something: Is it just that it's me wanting to be the first ventriloquist in space that is dragging the funding effort out? Obviously, there's something I don't understand, because other seemingly exotic efforts are making it into space.

Then again, don't think that I'm disparaging them. For instance, being a Milwaukeean by birth and by hearts desire, the beer thing was really cool. 


You were briefed about this, weren't you, Mr. President?

Japanese researchers conducted experiments on the space station on growing barley. And, of course, when the barley was returned to earth, what better way of seeing if it had special properties than turning it into beer. If you don't understand the logic of making beer out of it rather than, say, bread, I suggest you ask someone in your administration with Wisconsin roots. They'll be happy to explain, and if you throw in a buck or two for a case, demonstrate why making beer is preferable.

The six packs that are now on sale of the beer made from the space barley are going for over $100.  I was saving for a sixer, then I found out that you have to be Japanese just to enter the lottery for it.

And now, some folks from 4-Pines Brewing Company and Saber Aeronautics Australia are teaming up figure out how to brew beer in space. Granted, they've barely got this effort off the ground... (Oops, sorry, Mr. O. I just knew I couldn't avoid that line forever. But I bet if you read this to Michelle, she'll get a giggle out of it.)


So, I guess I can handle that "beer in space" is a higher priority than "ventriloquist in space." 


George (my puppet partner) and I just want you to know that these two ideas don't need to be mutually exclusive.  In fact, George and I see combining these efforts as the obvious "next step."


In these times of tight budgets, it only seems prudent.


Yours in space,






Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

Going Dutch? No. Danish.

iDear NASA and President Obama:

How's it going?

Just want to let you know that I'm brushing up on my Danish., Yes, you read that right: Danish.

Because, you see, the Danish people know how to Carpe Diem, to seize the day, or as they would say, "grib dagen".  Two Danes and a bunch of volunteers have made their own manned rocket ship and plan to launch it from their own submarine.

You heard me.  They have their own submarine. How cool is that!

To wit, I have composed and (once I find their mailing address) I will be sending them this letter:

(Note to POTUS*: See translation below if the West Wing doesn't have a Danish translator on staff)

Kære danske Rocket Team:Jeg har en enkelt inderligste ønske: at være den første bugtaler i det ydre rum. Min lands regering (USA) har vist på min stiltiende interesse i min søgen. Jeg bebrejder ikke dem, de har masser af ting at bekymre sig om.Så jeg vende tilbage til dig og din hjemmelavede rumskib. Jeg står til Deres tjeneste for din første bemandede lancering, forudsat naturligvis at der er plads, ikke kun for mig, men min dukke, George. Jeg er omkring 5 '11 "og 200 pounds på en god dag. George er væsentlig kortere og lettere. Jeg vil konvertere denne til metriske hvis det hjælper.Tak for Deres opmærksomhed og se dig i kredsløb!Med venlig hilsen,Dan Bushman

Spirende Astronaut

Spirende bugtal

American

Spirende dansker

Please know, Mr. President, that I am a loyal American.  I've paid my taxes honestly and accurately for 30+ years.  How many people can say that? Perhaps you might consider me the finest type of American - the kind that doesn't take no for an answer, and creates his own possibilities.

Thanks for listening. I'll let you know when I hear back from them. Hope you are as excited about this as I am.

Yours in space,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

Attachment:  English Translation of message to Danes

***

Attachment:

Dear Danish Rocket Team:

I have one single most heartfelt desire: to be the first ventriloquist in outer space. My country's government (the United States) has shown only tacit interest in my quest. I don't blame them; they do have lots of stuff to worry about.

So I turn to you and your homemade space ship. I am at your service for your first manned launch, provided, of course that there is room not only for me but my puppet, George.  I am about 5' 11" and 200 pounds on a good day. George is substantially shorter and lighter.  I'll convert that to metric if it helps.

Thank you for your consideration and see you in orbit!

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

Budding Dane  

***

* POTUS: President of the United States

***

I have not been able to find out whether the Danes managed to fire their rocket on August 30 as they had planned.  I'm kind of hoping they haven't.  I really do want to be there!

A little Up Over news

Taking a break from Ventriloquists Down Under Week (actually, it's now Ventriloquists Down Under Week: The Month!), let's have some Up Over news.  I almost indulged myself in my second-most favorite vocation - logo making - for Up Over news, but I know it brings some comfort to my piteousness* of regular readers who ache to see some of their favorite regular features, like No Logo Thursday.

***

I am absolutely hooked on checking my gadgets (yes, I know - they're actually called widgets**) on my blog that tell me where I get hits from. And down in the "recent hits from" gadget, it looked like this.

I am very sure that:

• My dear friend and the first regular reader this blog ever had keeps regularly reading from somewhere around Ballwin in big MO. Hi, Sue!  Party on!
• The hit from the Asian/Pacific region was someone who is probably hooked on Ventriloquists Down Under Week.  I can just tell. They'll be back.
• From the post they went to, the visitor from the Netherlands is a Glee fan.
• The President of the United States uses bing.com as his search engine.

***

* A piteousness is a group of turtle doves.

***

** A widget is not supposed to be a real thing, gosh darn it! 

It's suppose to stand for a fictitious product to explain principles and theories of production. It's not supposed to be a gosh darn real thing!  Who do I write to about this violation of proper word use before it's too late?  Before it leads to peace without honor or something?

It's too late already, isn't it?

Price rollback?

Dear NASA and President Obama:

I've been trying to work with you, haven't I?

Working through channels, waiting patiently for the application forms, filling them out, getting rejected, appealing the rejection, reapplying after six months, etc.

You know, doing the government thing.

And I considered it my patriotic duty, too. If I was to be the inaugural Ventriloquist in Space, I was going to win that honor fair and square, just like American should. My motto has been:

If I’m the ventriloquist going up, it’s going to be on the up and up.

So what’s this private company thing? This SpaceX Falcon 9 thing? I had to look up on the Google to find out that you’re letting a private company develop rocket technology to shoot stuff up into space. You’re thinking maybe it’s time we see if private industry can do it more “cost effectively.”

Does this mean that the Ventriloquist In Space Program (VISP) is going to become a “have your people call my people” deal? A who-knows-whose administrative assistant?

Am I going to wind up a sharing a space shower with some sci-fi fan who got to go because of contacts? A better iPhone than I have? Better social network apps?

I thought the most important question I could ask is what I could do for my country. With this private industry thing, I just have to practice having my monkey puppet say, “So when can we do lunch?”

As Desi Arnaz once said, "You got some 'xplainin' to do."  I humbly wait your reply.

Sincerely,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

PS:  Just watch this thing. Does ot look safe to you?  Chripes, it's on fire most of the time.

Another dinner for stew

Yet another big Washington "see and be seen" event - The White House Correspondents' Dinner - has come and gone.  It was like a state dinner - with jokes! And everybody was there.

It wasn't just the political people. Sure, President Obama was there, and the whole cast of the real West Wing.

It wasn't just the press people. Yes, there was the old network people, then there was the new faces, like Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezenski from MSNBC's Morning Joe show.

It was people like Steven Spielberg and Matthew Morrison.

Who's Matthew Morrison? Duh! He plays Will Schuester, the Glee Club Director on Glee. And why is it important that Matthew Morrison was there? Because Matthew Morrison, by virtue of the fact that the entire cast of Glee was awarded "Face that belongs on a ventriloquist dummy list" honors, is the closest thing to a ventriloquist to attend.

Yes, Rachel Maddow was there and is on the V-Face list, too. But she's from the press. She's talked to the President for work. Morrision is from the entertainment community. That means he got an optional invite.

Granted, when this blog presented the Budding Ventriloquist Winter Olympic Coverage (TM) - and covered it well, I might add - I was a member of the working press. So there was more than one reason for me to get an invite to the fancy-schmancy dinner.

Where was the invite to ANY ventriloquist? Or budding ventriloquist?

This is another one of those "would help if you were a Mason" things, isn't it?

Up, up, and (not quite) away

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Will it ever end?

I know from somebody who knows somebody that with the healthcare thing behind you, the manila folder with those four sweet letters "VISP" were getting to the top of the stack.  And with lots of talk about what NASA was going to do next going on, I could close my eyes and imagine waking up to Ann Curry turning to Meredith and Matt and say, "NASA is sending a ventriloquist into space."

Then I heard the news of the huge NASA science balloon crash in Australia. What a bummer.

I have to admit, when I first heard the story, and with my hearing not being perfect, I thought the announcer said that NASA crashed a "huge buffoon." But you wouldn't have already picked someone before me, would you?

Which just raises another question: I'm not going to have to go in a balloon for any reason, am I? That sounds dangerous.

I probably shouldn't tell you that my hearing isn't perfect, either. But I'm making up for that by making my ventriloquism much better. You can count on that.

And finally, I think Ann Curry is the best. If you have any say in the matter, I think she'd be a perfect media relations person for the program if you can pry her away from NBC.

Keep me posted.

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

OMG, Houston...

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Why doesn't anyone call me about this stuff?

It's the 40th anniversary of the ill-fated Apollo 13 space flight, the celebrated "successful failure" that showed problem solving at its finest.  No wonder you're not returning my calls. (That's for you, NASA. I know that President Obama is having 50 to 60 world leaders for some beers and nuclear talks.  Good luck with that!)

In order to honor NASA and join in the festivities, I am happy to announce that mission captain (and Milwaukeean, I am proud to say) James Lovell is being added to the "Face that Belongs on a Ventriloquist Dummy" list. Presenting the Apollo 13 story though ventriloquism is yet another way to bring this heroic story to all who should hear it.

But please, make no mistake: On Apollo 13 and at Mission Control, there were no dummies.  I can only hope that when the Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP) blasts off, the country and the world is just as thrilled as they were when you returned.

Congratulations, captain. And if it's not too late to say... welcome back.

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

***

Jim Lovell:  The V Face List honor is the highest salute I can give you. You did Milwaukee proud, and you are the first Milwaukeean to make the list.

You made it to the list before another great Milwaukeean - Liberace. You can be doubly proud.

Oh, and don't worry, you're the 18th on the list, not unlucky 13.

Your 24/7 source?

At the top of the hour:

A potential mid-term election issue: Proccupied with healthcare reform and jobs bills, President Obama puts Ventriloquist In Space Program (VISP) on the back burner.

Focus on Fashion: Ventriloquist in Space logo - the now and happening tramp stamp, or 70s throwback?

Solvenian Quagmire, Day 25:  Same quag, different day

Movies: Feature film aVENTar snubbed by Academy snobs. (See plot and ad)

Vent Channel to Conan:  It's been a week, make up your mind.
Hugh Laurie: House MD has an "American accent", or is it ventriloquism?

Budding Ventiloquist Olympics Coverage: Best Olympic coverage by any ventriloquism website.

Max LeMonk Special Commentary: No Logo Thursday's identity crisis.

And I think it's gonna be a long, long time

Ventriloquist In Space Program

Astronauts Named

Hudson, WI (BV) - Dan Bushman, Executive Director of the Ventriloquist in Space Program Proposal Program (VISPPP), announced this morning that he and ventriloquist dummy Steed Hideaway will be the first ventriloquist/ dummy names to be advanced to NASA and President Obama for consideration.

"I think it's time to get tangible. Time to say,'here's our IDs, give us our boarding passes and send us through security'," Bushman said. Bushman's announcement was paired with the unveiling of the new program logo, which features artist renditions of Bushman and Hideaway.

Critics on Capitol Hill, concerned about Bushman's involvement in the Slovenian quagmire, considered the announcement ill-timed.

"We need to start from scratch, with a blank sheet of paper. Americans do not want this. They are trying to take away your liberty. They will hurt baby kittens," said Majority Leader Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio). "Oh wait. That's my canned speech about healthcare reform. Would someone get me my VISP talking points?"

***

The current status of Slovenian relations is Orange. We are mired in quag. Lots and lots of quag.

***

How do you like this logo for VISP?  Let us know. The phone lines are open.

And a real Slovenian translator, please...

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Just a couple of things today. I know you're busy with your current missions and health care reform.

First: I sense you might be a little anxious about the Ventriloquist In Space Program (VISP) these days, and I admit I deserve the blame. As you fight for funds at congressional hearings, you sure don't need dweebs like Senator Orrin Hatch asking you, "So, is this the same budding ventriloquist who dragged this country into the Slovenian quagmire?"

Believe me, it's got my undies in a bundle, too. Right now, the nickels and dimes that I had been squirreling away for my pedometer (astronauts must be ever fit!) are now going into the "superfund" for my inevitable ventriloquist tour of Slovenia.  Just when you folks and I were making some headway, too.

I do have a solution that might turn this lemon into lemonade, and it comes down to two words: Slovenian in space.

You make the offer to the good people of Slovenia to put one of their own on a mission. Start teaching him (or her) all the astronaut stuff. I work on my ventriloquism (and my Slovenian). By the time we a blasting off together in a few years, everybody's smiling and clinking bottles. Problem solved.

Second: How do you like the VISP logo?  Pretty sweet, huh?

Now that we have a logo - I need to ask if you could sport me, oh, $100,000 or so for stationery.  Trust me, with the PR campaigns (English and Slovenian) that I have planned, I don't want to underestimate the supplies.

Do you have any idea how much stationery gets wasted in printer/copier paper jams alone? Let's just say Senator Hatch have a hearing on that issue and let you poor guys alone. There's a balanced budget, if not a whole new global ecomony, to be gained by cutting out that waste.

Hope you and your families are well, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours in space,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

***

The status of Slovenian relations is available 24/7 by checking the color code in the sidebar.  The status as of this posting continues to be Orange. Yep, it's a quagmire, all right.

Tie a tie around an old oak tree?

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Eleven New Tuxedos

Ten Steady Gigs,

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.
***

Any ventriloquist worth his salt dreams of playing playing Vegas, and a tuxedo is pretty much mandatory equipment.  But rather than throw out pictures of Jeff Dunham or Terry Fator to prove the "Vegas-Ventriloquist-Tuxedo" triumvirate, I see more the classic tuxedo images, like the Rat Pack or Tony Orlando and Dawn. 

True enough, my lasting image of Tony Orlando might just be due to hair envy.

I myself have a "pre-owned" tuxedo. Owning a tuxedo is not a luxury. And owning one that was only $5 at an estate sale was the buy of the century.  For $5, you can wear it to cub scout potlucks without a lot of "investment worry."

The last time I wore it was to President Obama's Inaugural back in January, which I attended via teleconference. Or tele-something.

And a bouncer, too

Dear NASA and President Obama:

It's me again. No sooner did I put my letter to you in the mail yesterday than I saw in the news of the new space station module that will have huge windows and a great view. I love the module's name, Tranquility, too.  Bravo.

May I suggest, in the spirit of the great night clubs that capture magnificent views from atop big city skyscrapers, that this module be remodeled slightly.  Add a wetbar and a small stage and you have:

The Tranquility Club

The Universe's Most Exclusive Nightspot

I stand ready to be the club's act opening night, or whatever you guys consider "night."  How does that work, by the way, without the sun doing its 24 hour thing?  So much to learn.

Not only does this make my Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP) make even more sense, but it makes it even more obvious that I am the perfect candidate for the mission. Why me? Not only because of my ventriloquistic abilities (which is gettng better by the day) but because because my ice cream drink-making skills are legendary.

How could I not be at the top of the "get that guy into space" list with that one-two punch?

Thanks again.

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman

Budding Astronaut

Budding Ventriloquist

American

HAL, HAL, the gang's all here

Dear NASA and President Obama:

Thank you for such a polite and educational rejection letter.  Reading between the lines, I sense the actual excitement you share about my Ventriloquist in Space Program (VISP). It is great that you subtly slipped me all the information I need to craft a real winner of a proposal next time.

The phrases "no recognizable scientific value" and "no demonstrable research methodology" spoke to me in spades. I get it! To get the sciencey mucky-mucks you have to stomach every day to buy in to VISP, you need some proper sounding claptrap, right?

Luckily, I remember my research methods and enough of my "Physics in Everyday Life" class give you what you need. Just raise your hand if you want me to go slower:

Background Facts: All matter can be converted into energy. All action is energy. Balls are matter. Ventriloquism is an action. Everything has something to do with energy.

Principle:  If you throw a ball in zero gravity it will continue on its path until it meets resistance, therefore...

Hypothesis:  If you throw your voice in zero gravity, it will continue until it meets resistance.

You see my experiment right there, don't you? If you put a ventriloquist in space who has irresistibly great material, you will achieve non-stop entertainment. (Ha! You didn't see that coming, did ya? See how awesome my material is? How much my fellow astronauts need me up there with them?)

I know, it sounds convoluted, but so do most experiments.

As always, I welcome your feedback, and thank you for your kind attention.

Sincerely,


Dan Bushman
Budding Astronaut
Budding Ventriloquist
American

You gonna eat that?

Terry Fator was not on the list.

Jeff Dunham was not on the list.

(No worries, dear regular reader*. I am not re-running a past post (The final frontier) that had the same lead.)

I must make an irksome point yet again.  When the list of invitees to President Obama's State Dinner was released, there was not a ventriloquist on it. Not that there might not be someone in the Indian diplomatic corps that has dabbled in the art of kings.** But on a list that had a great diversity of celebrities, there was not one known ventriloquist.

It can't be that no one who talks out of both sides of their head were to be stopped at the door, or the staff would have taken home a lot of left over cocktail weinies what from all the no shows.

And it can't be that no dummies were allowed, or, from 2001 to 2009, they couldn't have been hosted by...

Sorry. Don't need to finish that joke. Too easy? Too easy.(***)

***

* I may have actually picked up an additional regular reader, so this may be that last time I must use, for integrity sake, singular over plural. I think I will go to "regular readers (both of you)". Thoughts?

** Horse racing is referred to as the Sport of Kings. Before kings are totally out of style, I propose ventriloquism be designated their official art.  Leads to Prince Charles on the dummy "face list," you think? I'll get back to you on that.

***Fact: George W. Bush hosted only 6 State Dinners in 8 years, as opposed to other recent two-term presidents who typically hosted 30 plus. No joke.

***

You can kind of imagine Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy with President Franklin Roosevelt, Paul Winchell and Mortimer Snerd with Ike Eisenhower. But were they at an official State Dinner?

I will write the White House to find out. What fun. Something meaningful to do with my day off.

***

Snub would be a good name for a ventriloquist character, don't you think?

The time/space ventinuum

Dear NASA and President Obama:

I am excited to hear of today's highly successful launch of the new Ares1-X rocket.  Onward to the moon.  So what if it's boldly going to where we already have been. I think it's cool.

When you do gear up for what is truly the next great challenge - going to Mars - I want to volunteer for the first mission.  The good news is that with my trusty ventriloquist characters along, I will always have company on the long journey.  If there needs to be more people on the crew, I'm sure they will learn to enjoy either my dummy or my monkey puppet. Both can be quite charming.

I realize this adventure is many years away.  I will drop you a line every so often as I hone my craft and work towards being the first ventiloquist in space.  As my very regular (and hey, I was just being friendly) notes to Paula Abdul resulted in an utterly ridiculous restraining order, please let me know how often is permissible.

My email is bushmandaniel@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Dan Bushman
Budding Ventriloquist
Budding Astronaut
American

That day job thing

Yesterday's post was whining. Sorry.

I've started reading Terry Fator's book, Who's the Dummy Now?, and  it keeps making me think about the challenge of starting a journey to ventriloquism when you're NOT a pre-teen. Do I wish there were cute pictures of a young boy with his Charlie McCarthy or Mortimer Snerd dummy? Of course I do.

And I'm sure plenty of great ventriloquists who weren't prodigies. And how I feel about my parents not getting me a dummy for Christms when I was four is an unexplored topic between me and my "professional friend". But there's a challenge in starting a new adventure (See my sidebar about "hobbies") and being an adult, making a living, paying a mortgage. Don't worry, the whining is over.

It's all about the patience and persistence to find the time. To keep myself encouraged, and being too lazy to find real "senior" succcess stories, I offer these:

• When Einstein was in his 60s, he had a dummy made with the same hairdo he had and was the hit of faculty parties.
• Brad Pitt is only 4 years younger than me, and  there's no indication he'd be any better at ventriloquism than me.
• The older Bob Dylan gets, the more he sounds like a ventriloquist dummy, and the more Grammys he wins.
• There's a room at Graceland, closed to the public, were Elvis was building but never completed his own dummy. I've outlived him by seven years already.
• When Barack Obama (47) sneaks out for a smoke, he leaves a ventriloquist dummy behind his desk. The Secret Service has not caught on. He had dreams of achieving more than world peace, and he says, "Yes I can."

It's not to late.