Rotten dumbstruck luck

It's been on my calendar for months.

My friends who gave me George thought it looked like fun.

I was even going to take George.

So why, I ask? Why?

Why isn't the documentary movie Dumbstruck showing at the Uptown or the Lagoon theaters in Minneapolis on May 20 as advertised?  I even emailed the theater company.  It's like it disappeared.

This was probably about as close to the Annual Venthaven ConVENTion as I will ever get.  From what I could tell from reviews and the trailer, it is a solid documentary effort and, of course, it's about my new adopted family.

I was feeling kind of like of  those orphans who finds a VHS tape, throws it in the machine, sees a man and woman, and hears the words, "Our little man, if you're watching this it's because you wanted to find us. You're probably looking at us and seeing the family resemblance, except probably for the moo-moos..."

Now what do I do? I'm feeling so abandoned.

I know. I'll watch the end of The Empire Strikes Back. That always brings out all my family warm and cozies.

***

Maybe this is one of those deals where they decided to release it closer to Oscar time for bigger hype.  Yea, that's probably it.

***

As a follow up from yesterday's post about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver breaking up and more importantly their placement of the "V Face" List, please note that your eyes did not deceive you. I called Arnold "creepy looking."  I, Dan Bushman, the Budding Ventriloquist, called a man who could tear my arms off ugly.

I stand by my statement.  I am a journalist with integrity; a proud member of the fourth estate.

And if he comes to beat me up, I'm blaming it on George.

***

If you are one of so many brand new readers, I should say - George is my comedy partner. At least, if crabby is funny - he's my comedy partner.  It also gives me an opportunity to embarrass my children with this picture.

Dan and George

I have no humility.

Top of the morning to ya

Hats off to Terry Fator.  I knew that guy would do something with his talent.


Not only did he win America's Got Talent...
Not only is he playing Vegas just about non-stop...


He got to do a segment on CBS Sunday Morning, the best darn news magazine show there is. The man is literally walking my dream path.


Granted, he was interviewed by Armen Keteyian*, not Charles Osgood. So he only had the penultimate** experience, not the ultimate "wow." But hang in there, Terry. You're almost there.


http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7228518n&tag=cbsnewsVideoArea.0

J

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7228518n&tag=cbsnewsVideoArea.0

***

This was not only a fun segment, but a nice little bit of educating the world about the magic of ventriloquism. I will say, after hearing him explain about how he makes B's and P's, I will be trying to figure out just how clever I can get my tongue to be. 

Will practice make perfect? 

Try getting your puppet or dummy to say that.  You'll see.

***

* Armen Keteyian is a solid, competent broadcast journalist.  I'd be thrilled to be interviewed by him, but more so by Charles Osgood, aka "the man himself."***
** Penultimate is defined by Merriam and/or Webster (when sober) as "next to last".  In the context of this bit of shtick, it implies that an interview with Charles Osgood is the absolute end, or all that would be necessary for a great life.


I've really over-explained that, didn't I?

***

*** How nerdy is it to desperately want to be interviewed by Charles Osgood?

Great gridiron gridlock, Batman!

I know that you're all thinking:

"Are we at Gridiron Gurus* gridlock?"

"Has the budding ventriloquist bugged out on 'ball?" 

 "Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore?"

Please, it's not the end of the world.

I am discovering that planning ahead for taping Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus is quite time consuming. And, actually practicing ventriloquism is eating up time. Yes, it is ironic that, after a year and over 250 posts, I'm finding out only now that becoming competent at ventriloquism comes with blood, sweat, and tears.

But they are tears of joy. Or at least, they are tears of "hey, this is less painful than I thought and worried it might be." (Perhaps I should shorten that up to the acronym HTILPTITAWIMB, if you're into the whole brevity thing.)

***

This is the 251st post.  That's a prime number, and I'm really wanting to be back to celebrating in prime number rhythms. But, alas, I am not ready to do a big rundown of the how many visitors and all the other traditional celebration statistics that I would role out.

So I am committing to a giant, blowout milestone celebration on post 257.  Mark your calendars.

***

Budding Ventriloquist fun fact:  My house number is 1303. That's a prime number. 


Strange you say? Yes, but true.

***

Another future post will discuss the amazing and startling international interest in this blog. Just look at my flag counter. In the last month, more than a dozen new countries have visited my blog. 

I blush that I can say that. BV is truly part of the world wide web.

I have fallen hopelessly behind in honoring my new visitors. The search is on for ventriloquist information from very place from the Dominican Republic to Vietnam to Tunisia and Morocco.

But I love the hunt. Just talking about it is getting me psyched.  Game on!

***

* Officially, the title of the show is Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus, or BVPGG.  This is to differentiate BVPGG from what appears to be several dozen pretenders that also post video presentations of their picks online under the name Gridiron Gurus.

Curiously enough, BVPGG stars myself and George, who is, by definition, a puppet. So BVPGG is my actually be the only Gridiron Gurus series that doesn't have a dummy.

Remember, I am the only ventriloquist picking NFL games by video on the web.  I own the niche.

Note to Jeff Dunham: I'm wondering... buying any niches these days?  Let's do lunch.

Note to Terry Fator: You're a Vegas guy. It would fit you even better.

Here come old flat top

For years and years, I played guitar, sang pop songs, and complained about the Beatles.

Damn tenors. So many songs were just out of my range.  The greatest songwriting colaboration of all time, and I couldn't do 90 percent of their catalog.

So imagine my surprise when I found out I am one.

Not a Beatle. I'm a tenor.

Let me explain.

For months I've sat and listened as my daughter sang at voice lessons.  It's been fascinating to hear a good voice teacher like Nancy pick at, suggest, and otherwise coach improvements into someone's singing. So with my daughter out of town and the lesson already paid for, I thought it would be fun to take her place for one lesson.

Nancy started by doing warm up scales which also test my range. "I'm a baritone," I said, going though the paces.

"No, Dan," she said.  "You're a tenor."

She showed me how I'm strong in the tenor range, weaker as I go lower. Chest voice range starts here, turns into head voice there. And to top it off, after running though a baritone rendition of "Younger than Springtime" from South Pacific, she found a tenor version, complete with a big finish on high G.

I nailed it.

Yikes.  I'm approaching 50 years old. I've been a baritone all my life. I was as sure of that as I am sure I am the son of Mary and Woody Bushman.

Oh, my. I have my birth certificate. You can't fake one of those, can you? Can you?

I guess the bright side is that at least now it is finally possible for me to be the fifth Beatle. That's something.

***

Yes, I admit it. Back in High school, we made fun of guys who were tenors. Even the choir director used to say, "Now, the lower voices. Tenors... and men..."

I'm sorry. It was mean. And come to think of it, you guys got all the chicks.

***

There seems to be a general rule in ventriloquism that people will always enjoy a singing ventriloquist dummy, and I believe it. Terry Fator is exceptional at it, just like a great soloist sets himself apart.

But for every Terry Fator-quality ventriloquist, there are so many lesser, though no less proud, talents. So what if a bunch of them formed - just like lesser, yet proud singers do - a choir...

And sang a Beatles song...

On Hungarian television...

More holiday fun

Because the Find Famous Ventriloquist Faces in the Yule Log Fire game was immensely popular (A full third of my three regular readers played - whooooo'da thunk?), we're going to have more fun.

Here's the rules:

• Start the video right exactly at midnight tonight, after you've kissed your love and made your Happy New Year's shout.
• Now, watch it closely. Stare at it. Then, when you see the following faces magically appear in the fireworks, check them off:

 Mortimer Snerd

Charlie McCarthy

Jerry Mahoney

Knuckhead Smith

Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Walter (Jeff Dunham's)

Walter T Airedale (Terry Fator's)

Winston the Turtle

Lamp Chop

Senor Wences' hand

Jerry Lewis

• Don't stop until they've all appeared.
• Replay the video as necessary.
• Send me an email at bushmandaniel@gmail.com when you've seen them all.
• Be the first.  The time stamp on the email decides the winner.

 To be sure you know how important this is, I'll say it three times:

PRIZE!

PRIZE!

PRIZE!

You can use it as a team party game, too, but only individual winners can claim prizes.

I hope this gets your New Year off to a great start.


Pffft!!!!!,

Dan Bushman
Budding Ventriloquist

PS - No cheating by watching it all afternoon! I only am putting it out here now so you can weave it into your celebratory plans. Don't make me call the police.

Merry Christmas

Holiday Fun

So you've opened your presents, eaten too much, run out of batteries for all the new gadgets...

Here's some special holiday fun from Budding Ventriloquist.

First, get this video running, preferably on another window/tab/etc.
Click here to run video

Now, watch it closely. Stare at it. Then, when you see the following faces magically appear in the fire, check them off:

1. Mortimer Snerd
2. Charlie McCarthy
3. Jerry Mahoney
4. Knuckhead Smith
5. Achmed the Dead Terrorist
6. Walter (Jeff Dunham's)
7. Walter T Airedale (Terry Fator's)
8. Winston the Turtle
9. Lamp Chop
10. Senor Wences' hand
11. Jerry Lewis

Don't stop until they've all appeared. Replay the video as necessary. Write me when you've seen them all.  Be the first - there's a prize involved.

And happy holidays from Dan, your budding ventriloquist.

Tie a tie around an old oak tree?

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

Eleven New Tuxedos

Ten Steady Gigs,

Nine Ladies Dancing

Eight Fans Applauding,

Seven Monkey Puppets,

Six Hours Practice

Five Funny Jokes

(Ja)eff Dunham Tickets,

Three Good Springs,

Two Moving Eyebrows,

And a full-sized ventriloquist dummy.
***

Any ventriloquist worth his salt dreams of playing playing Vegas, and a tuxedo is pretty much mandatory equipment.  But rather than throw out pictures of Jeff Dunham or Terry Fator to prove the "Vegas-Ventriloquist-Tuxedo" triumvirate, I see more the classic tuxedo images, like the Rat Pack or Tony Orlando and Dawn. 

True enough, my lasting image of Tony Orlando might just be due to hair envy.

I myself have a "pre-owned" tuxedo. Owning a tuxedo is not a luxury. And owning one that was only $5 at an estate sale was the buy of the century.  For $5, you can wear it to cub scout potlucks without a lot of "investment worry."

The last time I wore it was to President Obama's Inaugural back in January, which I attended via teleconference. Or tele-something.

With a bow on it

Are women such shallow, simple-minded beings that a gift of highly-polished cut rocks sway their emotions? I think not.

To counter jewelry store advertising that runs non-stop during my (and my wife's, by the way) beloved football games, here are two commercial spots that speak to my heart's desire.

COMMERCIAL SPOT ONE

The snow is falling, and a young couple are holding hands. She's carrying a case. They stop in the middle of a Christmas decorated town square, and gaze into each other's eyes.

"I love you," he says with sweet sincerity. She puts the case down, and opens it, pulling out a full-size Charlie McCarthy dummy.

He beams, embracing her.

Voice Over: "Give the gift that says I love you"

Musical Voice Over:  "Every Dummy Begins with Duh"

COMMERCIAL SPOT TWO

 Two male roommates (apartment sharers?) are chatting about their romantic lives in their underwear. MAN 2 is doing a crossword puzzle.

MAN 1:  So, how was your date with Sharon?

MAN 2 (smiling):  Not to shabbly...

MAN 1:  Think you two are going to ... ya know... go out again?

MAN 2 (looking up from the crossword): What's a 25 letter word for Really Romantically Interested?

MAN 1 takes the crossword and starts filling in the letter, then verbalizes the answer: She.. got.. tickets... to...Terry...Fator

The camera focuses tight on the crossword, where the letters are handwritten in:

S H E G O T T I C K E T S T O T E R R Y F A T O R

MAN 2 proudly displays the two tickets. MAN 1's face lights.

Music swells.  The men squeal and hug.

Um....Or not.

Okay. The second one needs work. Maybe the first one, too.

***

If these commercials are successful, I hope to write more commercials to market things guys really want. Next up:  Gorilla suits.

You gonna eat that?

Terry Fator was not on the list.

Jeff Dunham was not on the list.

(No worries, dear regular reader*. I am not re-running a past post (The final frontier) that had the same lead.)

I must make an irksome point yet again.  When the list of invitees to President Obama's State Dinner was released, there was not a ventriloquist on it. Not that there might not be someone in the Indian diplomatic corps that has dabbled in the art of kings.** But on a list that had a great diversity of celebrities, there was not one known ventriloquist.

It can't be that no one who talks out of both sides of their head were to be stopped at the door, or the staff would have taken home a lot of left over cocktail weinies what from all the no shows.

And it can't be that no dummies were allowed, or, from 2001 to 2009, they couldn't have been hosted by...

Sorry. Don't need to finish that joke. Too easy? Too easy.(***)

***

* I may have actually picked up an additional regular reader, so this may be that last time I must use, for integrity sake, singular over plural. I think I will go to "regular readers (both of you)". Thoughts?

** Horse racing is referred to as the Sport of Kings. Before kings are totally out of style, I propose ventriloquism be designated their official art.  Leads to Prince Charles on the dummy "face list," you think? I'll get back to you on that.

***Fact: George W. Bush hosted only 6 State Dinners in 8 years, as opposed to other recent two-term presidents who typically hosted 30 plus. No joke.

***

You can kind of imagine Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy with President Franklin Roosevelt, Paul Winchell and Mortimer Snerd with Ike Eisenhower. But were they at an official State Dinner?

I will write the White House to find out. What fun. Something meaningful to do with my day off.

***

Snub would be a good name for a ventriloquist character, don't you think?

The final frontier

Terry Fator is not on the list.

Jeff Dunham is not on the list.

The list didn’t even exist in Paul Winchell’s day.

So what if Johnny Depp is People Magazine’s sexist of the 100 Sexiest Men Alive this year (and for the second time)? With no ventriloquist on the list and to my knowledge none having ever been on it, I have found yet another way I can break through barriers for all ventriloquismdum.

I hereby declare, with all the flourish of John Kennedy announcing we are going to the moon, that, before the end of this decade, I will be the first ventriloquist to make the People Magazine 100 Sexist Men Alive list.

Well… the next decade. It’s already November 2009 and I don’t have any vacation time left to work on it, and then there's the holidays, too. So that shoots the last month of this decade to hell.

So, before the end of the next decade…

***

This is reminding me to write NASA again about how my proposed  Ventriloquist in Space program is progressing. I think being an astronaut as well as a ventriloquist would help a lot for getting on the list.

***

When it does happen, the magazine sends a professional photographer over, right? Not that I don't think I cut a strappin' figure in swim trunks.

Yes. You heard me. Strappin'.

Follicling in the snow

Siezing an opportunity to enjoy a slow Saturday morning, I got my coffee and popped in the Terry Fator Live from Las Vegas video. Without a doubt, he is magical. Incredible technique, high production standards, awesome dummies. Just a wow.

It's so inspiring. If it ever crosses though my mind that ventriloquism might not be a good choice for me, thinking of Terry's performance will remind me what fun this can and will be.

I'm even re-re-re-committing, this time with a target - two minutes of routine by the end of winter, with the puppeting, the jokes, the everything - working.

Am I doing the "I want to be Terry Fator" envy thing?  Maybe. I do recognize he has something I will never have.

But he's helped give my long-term dream more focus - to be like Terry Fator, but with a noticable, signature difference between he and I. So I'm imagining the DVD cover:

Dan Bushman - Live and Balding from Las Vegas

That day job thing

Yesterday's post was whining. Sorry.

I've started reading Terry Fator's book, Who's the Dummy Now?, and  it keeps making me think about the challenge of starting a journey to ventriloquism when you're NOT a pre-teen. Do I wish there were cute pictures of a young boy with his Charlie McCarthy or Mortimer Snerd dummy? Of course I do.

And I'm sure plenty of great ventriloquists who weren't prodigies. And how I feel about my parents not getting me a dummy for Christms when I was four is an unexplored topic between me and my "professional friend". But there's a challenge in starting a new adventure (See my sidebar about "hobbies") and being an adult, making a living, paying a mortgage. Don't worry, the whining is over.

It's all about the patience and persistence to find the time. To keep myself encouraged, and being too lazy to find real "senior" succcess stories, I offer these:

• When Einstein was in his 60s, he had a dummy made with the same hairdo he had and was the hit of faculty parties.
• Brad Pitt is only 4 years younger than me, and  there's no indication he'd be any better at ventriloquism than me.
• The older Bob Dylan gets, the more he sounds like a ventriloquist dummy, and the more Grammys he wins.
• There's a room at Graceland, closed to the public, were Elvis was building but never completed his own dummy. I've outlived him by seven years already.
• When Barack Obama (47) sneaks out for a smoke, he leaves a ventriloquist dummy behind his desk. The Secret Service has not caught on. He had dreams of achieving more than world peace, and he says, "Yes I can."

It's not to late.