Friday, March 5, 2010

Quagmire, smagmire

I'm working on it.

Faced with a certain sense of inevitability, I'm working on my ventriloquism. And, I'm working on my Slovenian. And, I am going to eat a lot of bologna sandwiches, and save my lunch money, and squirrel it away.

A promise it a promise.  I just know that as sure as an infinite number of monkeys randomly typing would eventually type out all the works of Shakespeare - My butt is going to wind up in Slovenia. 

(Shhh. Don't let my wife know about the money thing. It's a surprise. I'm taking her with.)

What am I talking about?
I'm talking about a mess. During the Budding Ventriloquist Winter Olympic Coverage (TM), I made this inspirational challenge to the Slovenian athletes:
If Slovenia takes a medal in the 2010 Winter Games, I will do everything in my power to travel to Slovenia and give them a ventriloquism show.
I even picked two athletes, Tina Maze and Petra Majdic, to talk up and personally cheer on.

What happened?
They won medals. Both of them!

Petra broke four ribs when she crashed on the course.  Did she stop? No. And Tina showed my challenge was better than being on the cover of Slovenian Sports Illustrated* - because it's surely no jinx.

So what's the problem?
I'm broke. Broke, broke, broke. I can't afford this.

Any other problems?
None that a little talent wouldn't solve. Like speaking Slovenian and being able to do ventriloquism.

Why worry?
These people lived under the dictatorship of Marshall Tito. And to be sure, these good people are free of that. But one only wonders about the secret factions looking to relive all that dictatory stuff on the head of a foreigner who doesn't keep promises.

Or maybe, just maybe, they might just consider it a snub, creating an international incident. The next thing you know, the US government is trying to buy their goodwill back with the shares of General Motors that we own. Remember the Yugo? 

(To be accurate, the Yugo automobile was manufactured in Serbia/Yugoslavia, not Slovenia/Yugoslavia - but you see where I'm going here?)

Mountain? Molehill?
I just don't want this to be a grassy knoll.  The mysterious nail in my tire is as mysterious as the Slovenian secret police, if you get my drift.

Current Status: Orange
Borrowing a brilliant concept from the Homeland Security peeps, you'll be able to check on the status 24/7 by visiting this blog and checking the color coding system.

The current status - Orange - means we're in a quagmire, requiring heightened ... stuff.

Yea. Stuff.

Come on, people - a little break, please. Just because I covered the Olympics doesn't mean I can just pull this crisis management stuff out of thin air. Or is it just "quagmire" management stuff right now?

See? Now even I'm confused.
* Slovenian Sports Illustrated is an illusory, metaphorical, and conceptual artifice.  That means I just made that up.
Readers Poll
 What conveys more urgency: The tropical orange that the word "quagmire" is in, or the burnt orange that is on the chart?

The polls are open, and like they say in Illinois: Vote early. Vote often.

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