Gurus'14: Week 3 Post-Op Edition

The Gurus are so old school.  Dan has surgery on his back and does he sit out for a week?

Heck no!  He's the Butkus and Nitschke of prognosticators.

No way was he going to let George make the picks by himself.  So on comes the game face and out comes the picks for Week 3.

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Because if Gridiron Gurus stands for anything* it's accountability,  Let's look back at last week and hold Dan's and George's hands in the fire for their 7-9 pick record.  The smell of George's hand burning seems to have a chemical retardant nose to it, while Dan is emitting a distinctive roasting flesh aroma. 

Go ahead. Say it. Ewww.

Pick of the (last) Week:  Buffalo has a certain "we're back" look to them.  A renewed spirit.  So does Miami, But last week it was a home team wins kind of pick.  And a good one it was.

ICK of the (last) Week: What is it about the Raiders that makes Dan want to pick them week after week?  Is it that he hopes that football is not a game of overall organizational excellence, but a game where the most ridiculously dressed fans win? Well, no more picking the Raiders. No. No. No.

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WEEK 3

THURSDAY

Tampa Bay over Atlanta
Okay, we got the pick really wrong. Lovie Smith is still the best man in football.

SUNDAY

Green Bay over Detroit

Last Thanksgiving, Packer fans gave thanks that the rout by the Lions eventually ended. This time the turkey will be on the other foot. Or something like that.

Buffalo over San Diego
Oh come, oh come EJ Man-an-an-u-el, and ransom captive Buf-uf-uf-a-lo. (when Dan and George go live again, expect to hear this one over and over.)

Cincinnati over Tennessee
The division favorite Bengals… is just a weird thing to get used to saying.

Cleveland over Baltimore
The Browns treat their home fans to a victory. Off-field noise is just about ready to consume them.

Indianapolis over Jacksonville
The Colts are the best 0-2 team is football. The Jags are the worst.

New England over Oakland
The Raiders have a two game streak… at being the Gurus’ awful pick of the week. The streak ends now.

New Orleans over Minnesota
New Orleans needs a big win soon. The Vikings need a new “face of the organization” even sooner.

Houston over N.Y. Giants
The Giants are still in training camp mode
.
Philadelphia over Washington
The Gurus will henceforth refer to D.C. team as the Washington Goober Peas.

Dallas over St. Louis
The Rams season seems to already be over.

San Francisco over Arizona
Hate picking the Niners, but gotta.

Miami over Kansas City
The Chiefs only had a chance if their original plan was going to get to play itself out. That ain’t happening.

Denver over Seattle
The SB Champion Seahawks start 1-2? Yep.

SUNDAY NIGHT

Carolina over Pittsburgh
The Steelers are still riding the last of their residual high from their 2008 Super Bowl victory. Or trying to.

MONDAY

Chicago over N.Y. Jets
Chicago was just reading a book about using passing as an offensive weapon, and is giving it a go.

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Ventriloquist on the Sidelines

(remember, this is still a blog about ventriloquism)

Got a feeling Roger Goodell talks out of both sides of his face? Or should we say... any doubt?

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*  If Gridiron Gurus stands for anything...  is still a nagging question.

Lovie Smith: 100% Right

Former Bears and now Buccaneers Head Coach Lovie Smith said this on the football pregame last night:

"You don't have to tell a man he shouldn't hit a woman," Smith told CBS' James Brown. "When you're dealing with your children, what's more precious than our kids?" He went on to say that "we're dealing with adults here."

I don't care that his Bucs lost 56-14 last night. I am picking them to win every week from now on because their Head Coach is a real winner in the only ways that really matter.

Gurus'14 - Bucs/Falcons Pick

The week blew by and the Gurus looked up and realized ...

There's a game tonight!

Buccaneers at the Falcons will treat the national TV crowd to...

An upset! Bucs will win. Why?

Because Lovie Smith is the most underappreciated coach in football.  He taught the Bears to play over their heads and come up with a big "over their heads" win 2 or 3 times a year (like Sunday night!), and tonight you will see he's got the same program going in Tampa.

You heard it here first.  And if you've lost that Lovie feeling, here's something that will get it back for you. Who can't love a Lovie?*

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*... and yes, this was actually just to bait you into the "Ginger/Mary Ann" thing. An old question, but still a good question.

Mind = Blown

This actually is changing my entire thinking even about ventriloquism.*

George's, too.



* And no, Joni Mitchell.  The seasons don't actually go round and round after all. Still love ya, though.

Gurus '14: Week 2 - Who are the real experts?

I know the first question on your mind. How did Dan and George do in week 1?

10-6. Not bad, considering all the upsets.

And how did the expert panel at ESPN do? Well, as of 7 pm central on Wednesday, who knows?  They haven’t tallied their results. 

Why?  They obviously are ashamed. Or as Gomer Pyle used to say, “f’shame, f’shame, f’shame.”

They are either cowards or lazy.  Got that high priced experts who get paid boatloads while George and Dan are showing how it’s really done? You heard that. What’cha gonna do about it? Huh?

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Beginning this year, part of reviewing last week will talk about last week’s good and bad. It’s only fair, and the BV staff loves designing logos for feature stuff.

PICK: And there it was.  You heard it here and then it happened.  We picked Miami to beat New England “because it would feel so good.”  And it sure did. 

ICK: Dan made the Raiders  pick largely due to the side effects of painkillers he’s taking for his back.  Not really, but that’s a better excuse than the real one: he really thought they would win.

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Week 2

THURSDAY

Pittsburgh over Baltimore
Ravens rally as a team to overcome the Ray Rice scandal? Nope.

SUNDAY

Green Bay over N.Y. Jets
Packers thought there were 5 preseason games. Oops.

Buffalo over Miami
‘Phins over Pats was surprising, Bills over anyone needs to be rewarded by picking them.

Detroit over Carolina
With Jim Caldwell as coach, can you still actually hate the Lions?

Atlanta over Cincinnati
Matt Ryan is my fantasy team QB at work. Duh.

New Orleans over Cleveland
Browns fans. How I wish better for you.

New England over Minnesota
Against the Pats the only thing Miami and Minnesota have in common is a big M.

Arizona over N.Y. Giants
The Giants don’t really start playing until week 9.

Dallas over Tennessee
Jake Locker. Ok. Now name another guy who plays for Tennessee.

Jacksonville over Washington
The Jags get off the schnide early.

Seattle over San Diego
The flaw in the Packers game plan last week was they didn’t account for Seattle being the better team.

Tampa Bay over St. Louis
Lovie Smith, most under-appreciated man in football.

Denver over Kansas City
KC QB Alex Smith. Think about it.

Oakland over Houston
Because Dan lacks the ability to think rationally.

Chicago over San Francisco
2 or 3 times a year, the Bears play over their heads. This is number 1. You read it here first.

MONDAY NIGHT

Indianapolis over Philadelphia
The Colts are just getting warmed up. The Eagles offense is, in a word, hokey.

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Ventriloquist on the Sidelines

(Remember, this blog is still about ventriloquism)

  

What current or past football player's face would make a great ventriloquist dummy?

Discuss.

Happy Packer Christmas! Ho! HO! GO PACK GO!

All day long I've been happy. Happy Happy Happy.

As the old Al Jolson song goes:

I'm happy, so happy, walkin' on air
The why and the wherefore
Is someone I care for. (* and **)

Then I realized... It's Packer Christmas! The day we open the present!  

Preseason is that pre-holiday anticipation - What's in the box? Will my wish come true? Did Santa get my letter?***

Time to get set.  Pregame is almost on. Missing Brent, Jayne, and Erv so much! This is like watching the chimney for black boots and a green and gold suit!



GO PACK GO! GO PACK GO! GO PACK GO!

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* - Bet you thought I was going to quote the Pharrell guy's song, didn't ya.

** - I love my Green Bay Packers.

*** - Yes. I wrote.

Gridiron Gurus'14: We're back... and about Dan's back...

It’s football season again, and once again the Gurus are going to be busy picking!

But, um… However… this is a little tough to say, but…

George and Dan are taking a break from the rigors of taping the show for at least the first half of the season.  Dan is on the PUP-FOC (Physically Unable to Perform - in Front Of Cameras) List, and George is, well, George. That never made it easy to begin with.

And, there continues to be the corporate sponsorship issue.*

However, if Gridiron Gurus stands for anything**, it stands for expert prognostication.  It’s what every viewer really was tuning in for. Really. It is.***

So to fill that void, consider the next 8 weeks or so Gridiron Gurus’14: The Lost Episodes.

And read on because here are the picks.

Week 1

Thursday Night

Green Bay over Seattle

Mr. No Huddle will rain on the Seahawk party.  No light drizzle this time.

Sunday

Atlanta over New Orleans

The Falcons have their claws back. And most of their players, too.

Cincinnati over Baltimore

It’s still weird to think of the Bengals as a regular contender.

Chicago over Buffalo

Those lucky Bears.  Nice to open the season 1-0 before you even play the game.

Houston over Washington

Can you really pick the Redskins to win? Even against Houston?

Kansas City over Tennessee

Name someone who plays for Tennessee. Go on. Name someone.

Miami over New England

Just because it would feel so good.

Oakland over N.Y. Jets

You gotta admit, the Raiders’ “Commitment to Weirdness” is impressive.

Philadelphia over Jacksonville

Our Prediction: The Jags will surprise … someone before midseason.

Pittsburgh over Cleveland

The Browns are the road team. That’s the Week 1 reason the Browns will lose.****

St. Louis over Minnesota

The Vikings are the road team. That’s the Week 1 reason the Vikings will lose. *****

Dallas over San Francisco

The Cowboys have kept most of their star players out of Alcatraz this year.

Carolina over Tampa Bay

As George would say, “The Ucks… are Ucky.”

Sunday Night

Denver over Indianapolis

Broncos over Colts. There’s a whole bunch of horse puns on the tip of my tongue…

Monday Night

Detroit over N.Y. Giants

This just has to do with my fantasy football team.

Arizona over San Diego

The existence of a second Monday Night Football game is just wrong! Wrong I tell you!

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Ventriloquist on the Sidelines
(Remember, this is a still about ventriloquism, too.)

If Gridiron Gurus found a Howard Cosell****** dummy, would anybody get the joke anymore?

Discuss.

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* -  Corporate Sponsorship: You'd think the average of over 30 hits a week would wow someone into dumping ugly amounts of money into senseless, wasteful advertising. "Hello? Koch Brothers?"

** - Watching for the picks: Unless you want to admit to watching it for the ventriloquism...

*** - If Gridiron Gurus stands for anything:  That is an interesting question. Whether it does, that is.

**** - The Browns: The entire creative staff at Budding Ventriloquist Studios are actually Browns fans. They bleed Brown's ... brown. And all of them passed on getting free Hepatitis-B vaccines. That kind of explains things.

***** - The Vikings:  For the record, Gridiron Gurus has not picked the Vikings to win a single game in 4 years. And the Gurus are 39-24-1, for a .617 correct percentage. Hall of Fame Steeler Coach Chuck Noll had a lifetime .544 record. Hall of Fame Cowboy Coach Tom Landry, the man with the hat, had a lifetime .607 record.  We are prepared to go on and on and on about this.

****** - Howard Cosell:  The picture was purloined from a site called "Find a Grave." That is kind'a creepy, ya?

Budding Comedian II?

From Budding Ventriloquist:


Fearless. Shameless. Undaunted. Determined. Learning. And hope you are amused.


My second diving into the stand-up comedy waters keeps me saying, "This is how we learn." I do believe I am managing to get upstream, though I'm still getting water in my nose.


Because the original and still central intent of my "Budding Ventriloquist" adventure was to share the journey with all its warts, trips, and turns, the following is presented without commercial interruption. That's something, at least.

Gridiron Gurus'13: Week 17 - Season in Review

We had fun this year.  Enjoy the look back. The final picks of the year are in there somewhere, too.

Remember: THIS ISN'T EASY!

Watch it here or in SeeYouNextYearVision at http://youtu.be/PtkgMJRHzLs.

Gridiron Gurus'13: Week 16 - Twas a Guru Christmas and the Jingle Bells Special again!

Hope your holiday is wonderful.  Hope the picks you make are wonderful. Hope you smile when you watch this.

Watch it here or in ChristmasVision at http://youtu.be/YdPAm7p_hsk.


And hope you watch the Jingle Bells Christmas special, too.  Check it out here http://youtu.be/Bi8tvwaPhjo