Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Gridiron Gurus'14: We're back... and about Dan's back...

It’s football season again, and once again the Gurus are going to be busy picking!

But, um… However… this is a little tough to say, but…

George and Dan are taking a break from the rigors of taping the show for at least the first half of the season.  Dan is on the PUP-FOC (Physically Unable to Perform - in Front Of Cameras) List, and George is, well, George. That never made it easy to begin with.

And, there continues to be the corporate sponsorship issue.*

However, if Gridiron Gurus stands for anything**, it stands for expert prognostication.  It’s what every viewer really was tuning in for. Really. It is.***

So to fill that void, consider the next 8 weeks or so Gridiron Gurus’14: The Lost Episodes.

And read on because here are the picks.

Week 1
Thursday Night
Green Bay over Seattle
Mr. No Huddle will rain on the Seahawk party.  No light drizzle this time.

Atlanta over New Orleans
The Falcons have their claws back. And most of their players, too.

Cincinnati over Baltimore
It’s still weird to think of the Bengals as a regular contender.

Chicago over Buffalo
Those lucky Bears.  Nice to open the season 1-0 before you even play the game.

Houston over Washington
Can you really pick the Redskins to win? Even against Houston?

Kansas City over Tennessee
Name someone who plays for Tennessee. Go on. Name someone.

Miami over New England
Just because it would feel so good.

Oakland over N.Y. Jets
You gotta admit, the Raiders’ “Commitment to Weirdness” is impressive.

Philadelphia over Jacksonville
Our Prediction: The Jags will surprise … someone before midseason.

Pittsburgh over Cleveland
The Browns are the road team. That’s the Week 1 reason the Browns will lose.****

St. Louis over Minnesota
The Vikings are the road team. That’s the Week 1 reason the Vikings will lose. *****

Dallas over San Francisco
The Cowboys have kept most of their star players out of Alcatraz this year.

Carolina over Tampa Bay
As George would say, “The Ucks… are Ucky.”

Sunday Night
Denver over Indianapolis
Broncos over Colts. There’s a whole bunch of horse puns on the tip of my tongue…

Monday Night
Detroit over N.Y. Giants
This just has to do with my fantasy football team.

Arizona over San Diego
The existence of a second Monday Night Football game is just wrong! Wrong I tell you!

Ventriloquist on the Sidelines
(Remember, this is a still about ventriloquism, too.)

If Gridiron Gurus found a Howard Cosell****** dummy, would anybody get the joke anymore?



* -  Corporate Sponsorship: You'd think the average of over 30 hits a week would wow someone into dumping ugly amounts of money into senseless, wasteful advertising. "Hello? Koch Brothers?"

** - Watching for the picks: Unless you want to admit to watching it for the ventriloquism...

*** - If Gridiron Gurus stands for anything:  That is an interesting question. Whether it does, that is.

**** - The Browns: The entire creative staff at Budding Ventriloquist Studios are actually Browns fans. They bleed Brown's ... brown. And all of them passed on getting free Hepatitis-B vaccines. That kind of explains things.

***** - The Vikings:  For the record, Gridiron Gurus has not picked the Vikings to win a single game in 4 years. And the Gurus are 39-24-1, for a .617 correct percentage. Hall of Fame Steeler Coach Chuck Noll had a lifetime .544 record. Hall of Fame Cowboy Coach Tom Landry, the man with the hat, had a lifetime .607 record.  We are prepared to go on and on and on about this.

****** - Howard Cosell:  The picture was purloined from a site called "Find a Grave." That is kind'a creepy, ya?

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