Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Boob tube or oil and lube tube?

Rejected Ideas
Second in a Series

 As the Budding Ventriloquist Creative Staff (BVCS) toiled to come up with the perfect* Ultimate Master Plan of Mirth (UMPOM), the was a hell-of-a-lot of television watching. Or, as the kids say these days, there was a shucks-ton of it.**

So, potential programs for The Vent Channel were hot topics. I’d know something was up when a staff member pulled an all-night er in the logo lab. There would always be a trail of crushed chips and empty salsa jars going from the fridge to the lockdown door. (The lockdown door was installed to quarantine the lab in case of a bio-hazard accident in there. You know, like on the show Bones. When is the season premiere for that?)

Not that it was always a gem of an idea. For example:

The BVCS was so wrapped up in the History Channel. They just couldn't turn it off, even as it replayed the shows over and over. It seemed an endless source of inspiration. After considering having George and I join the Knights Templar or visit the landing sites of “Ancient Astronauts” or Area 51, they hunkered down on the most illogical of history programs, Ice Road Truckers.

While some on staff saw the historical value, others ranted endlessly on how this represents the dumbing-down of America. Not that the show isn’t cool. It just has a nebulous relationship with anything a history teacher would recognize has historical.

But neither George or I had a Commercial Drivers License (or CDL, as they say in the trucking biz), so the big rigs were out of the question. However, the drama of sliding my 2001 Honda Civic down I-94 to Baldwin, Wisconsin in a sleet storm seemed a jolly good substitute.

To the staff, at least.

But being the one who would pilot El Civic-o down the road in a blizzard with a full camera crew watching me try to do ventriloquism and drive at the same time...

You get the picture.

I'm now contacting the Guinness Book people to see if I now hold the world record for putting a kibosh squarely on top of an idea.

They were right about one thing: George and I do look spiffy in winter clothes, if not down right dashing.

That said, we moved on.

* - Perfect is perfect.  And at Budding Ventrilquist, there's no promising perfect unless it's going to be perfect. And I know perfect.  I hope that's perfectly clear, as Dick Nixon used to say. 

Yes, I quote Nixon. Agnew, too.

** - This is an instance where substituting the word “shucks” for that most ubiquitous vulgarity “sh*t” doesn’t exactly work. (The "*" in the word to the left is for the protection of my growingly ubiquitous youth audience. I wouldn't want to be the first to expose them to that word. Nope. Not me. )

*** - I used to use three asterisks  (***) for a section break/transition.  But given my penchant for footnoting with asterisks as well, I am changing to three hashmarks (###).  Please, don't panic. It will grow on you.

It's all for you, my dear readers. Give it some love.

Just testing you on the new transition markers again. See? That didn't hurt, did it?


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