Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wednesday morning kicker

There I was.

Lambeau Field. Cradle of the NFL.*

My Packers were kicking the Buffalo Bills butt (ventriloquists: Wouldn't that make a great "can you say it" contest?). But as the third quarter came and went and I watched the scores of the other games, all I could think was...

OMG!** George and I were getting them ALL WRONG! If we hadn't by Wisconsin state law picked the Packers and picked against the Vikings (who are 0-2, by the way- hehe!), George and I would have been looking like total idiots.  Instead, we were only looking like proportionately big idiots.

But, by 6 o'clock, our wisdom was showing, and we ran the board in late games, picked the right Manning brother in the night cap, and just knew that the Saint would snatch victor from the jaws of the 49ers.

All of that means Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus got 11 right out of 16 in week 2. Card counters get thrown out of Las Vegas casinos for less success.

As George would say... who's the dummy now? We're only going to get better, too.
One thing that I've come to realize is that as much as I like the Carolina Panthers' stylish white and black and turquoise uniforms, I can not continue to pick them to win football games as if they are fashion shows. It's just not what a gridiron guru does.

My original reason for picking them was equally non-football related. I wanted to refer to them as the "Boys in turquoise." This, of course, was problematic from a ventriloquism standpoint because of the dreaded B.  I considered some ventriloquist substitutions, like "Thoys in turquoise", or saying "Guys in turquoise", which kept coming out "Goys in turquoise," which of course made no sense as it introduced the Jew/gentile dynamic into the conversation for absolutely no reason.

I'll be sure to babble the resolution to this issue as soon as I figure out what I just said; maybe over a cup of coffee. My treat.
To ensure that you can separate Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus from the many dozens of "Gridiron Gurus", remember the official title of the show is Budding Ventriloquist Presents Gridiron Gurus, or BVPGG for short.

Turns out, you see, that if you search with the words Gridiron Gurus, you really will find dozens of well meaning but uniformed souls picking winners of football games. If you actually do this, remember:  BVPGG is absolutely, positively the only football picks show featuring ventriloquism.

It's what you call a niche.
* referring to Lambeau Field as the cradle of the NFL is, IMHO,*** the finest Howard Cosell-ism(****) ever.
** OMG is text language for "Oh My God."  I am 50 years old. Rest assured,  I don't actually think in text language. That was just some literary license.
*** IMHO = In My Humble Opinion. This phrase was never used by the texting generation until texting was invented. I consider this a foul and am writing my congressman about it.
**** I will not explain who Howard Cosell was.

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