Sunday, August 29, 2010

Corny as Kansas in August

*** Tenth in a series ***

Max Le Monk, the monkey puppet, and I wandered left and right, then right again, then left at the forked path, then left again at the T, then right when we realized we were right back at where we were 3 rights ago.

"And on your birthday, I'm buying you a ticket to a corn maze, too," Max said with his typically snide attitude. "Except I'm waiting for you at the bar." I did have to consider apologizing to Max. I guess I thought this would be fun for his birthday.  I guess I guessed wrong.

Maybe we should have watched the weather.  It was a sunny day in the 90s. Out in the maze, it felt even hotter.
 And, although we could not feel any breeze, the thousands of stalks around us seem to sway with and intense hustling and bustling motion, as if we were in the corn world's Times Square. It was all so loud and at the same time so very quiet.
While you're standing in the middle of this cornfield, the wind begins to blow and the rustling of the cornstalks seem to whisper.
Max's eyes rolled at the sound of that voice. "If my birthday wasn't corny enough, the prince of putrid punnery has to show up."  I looked around and carefully gauged where I believe I heard the voice coming from.  I reached out my arms, parted the stalks of corn, and smiled.  It was don Rey Ortega, the ventriloquist nagual.  And in arms was a freakishly large ear of corn.

He peeled down some of the husk, and I gasped to see the suggestion of a somewhat human face. My eyes pinned themselves open widely when it spoke.
Ok, some voices can whisper louder than others.
I shuttered in amazement at the talking ear of corn. Max shuttered, too - at my reaction. "You were born in Crete, weren't you? Because you are such a cretin. He's a ventriloquist! He makes things talk!"

Don Rey smiled with amusement, and inexplicably threw dirt on Max's shoes. I was so confused, and the heat and the company of a talking ear of corn were both dizzying to me.
If you want to find your way out of here, you're going to have to ask for directions.
I asked don Rey how we could get out of the maze, but a head nod pointed to the corn ear. I asked don Rey who his companion was.
Oh that's JP, everyone calls him Jiffy Pop. His father was in the military. he was a very husky fella and a Kernel.
Max again objected, "What's next? We go to the topics and talk to mangoes? We go to a herb garden and talk to some sage?"  Again, don Rey just smiled and cast dirt on his shoes.
He's kinda sensitive so ask him nice, but don't butter him up and he'll tell you the way out.

I remembered how Max had cast don Rey as a punster, But I wanted to get out of the claustrophobic maze, so I asked politely, and Jiffy Pop pointed and motioned the direction and turns we needed to take.

We all set out together. Letty Jiffy pop direct our moves, we seemed to make some headway. I felt more at ease and believed we were nearing the maze entrance.  "Thanks for leading us out," I told Jiffy Pop. "I'm no Braveheart when it comes to this type of adventure."  Jiffy  nodded.
There seems to be an opening up ahead, but keep your head low if you see an alien. Mel Gibson might be just around the corner with an aluminum baseball bat.
"Mel Gibson?" Max asked. "Is his pissed?" Don Rey laughed.
It could be worse, it could be M. Night Shyamalan.
We reached the entrance and broke into the open space outside the maze. I looked behind me to see that don Rey and Jiffy Pop were gone.  A shimmer on the ground proved to be a compact disk.

MAx and I went to my car, and popped the CD in.  The tune was familiar, and the voices singing were no doubt don Rey's many characters singing in Doo Wop.

Shyamalan-a-lan-a Ding Dong.

Shyamalan-a-lan-a Ding Dong.

Rey Ortega is has given voices to a cave man, a kid, a parrot... and now an ear of corn. is quite an interesting place. One never knows what might be talking next.

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